Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Still Picking Up the Pieces

This is pretty much how I imagined it (Graphic by Jim Cooke)

I'm still a bit distraught over the passing of the shining light that was Barbaro. He was like a shooting star, one minute he was there and then eight LONG months later he was gone. Just so sad. He touched all of our lives like only a crippled horse who won one major race could, and by that I mean he really didn't touch it at all.

Since I'm going to observe a couple of days of silence to honor Barbaro (meaning I don't have much to write, at least until Friday when I will actually discuss the Super Bowl for the first time) I would like to direct you to this from the Mighty MJD, it's what Barbaro would have wanted....

I hope you enjoy it, and perhaps you should use some glue or something to honor Barbaro's passing in your own little way. Without his light shining on all of us the world just doesn't seem as great anymore...

Monday, January 29, 2007

Barbaro Euthanized and Millions of Emotionally Troubled Shut-ins Put on Suicide Watch

Barbaro during his "heroic" effort at the Kentucky Derby...

In case you haven't heard the "GREATEST HORSE EVER~!" Barbaro was euthanized today after his long fight against Laminitis. It is actually a sad story whenever something like this happens (which it often does in horse racing, Pine Island was euthanized just off the track at this year's Breeders' Cup) but what turns this story from sad to somewhat amusing in a "let's take a look at that car accident" kind of way is the messages on Barbaro's Message Board.

For those of you who don't read Deadspin (and if you don't read that site I have no idea how the hell you found mine) the center where Barbaro was being treated put up a message board for his well wishers to come together and be creepy together. Over the months we've been treated to a comedy treasure chest of old crazy shut-ins who have been taking time from tending to their 30 cats and writing god-awful messages to a horse who can't read.

File photo of Barbaro message board poster

So to honor Barbaro I'm going to take a look at his message board and try and pick up the pieces of many broken hearts. Remember these people are not only writing to a horse...but a DEAD horse. That fact makes what you're about to read that much more humorous....

  • GOD knows when he needs a special horse to do what needs to be done. God Bless his care takers to make the right decsions to do what is right in this time of need., 46; Woodlawn, VA, USAposted on 2007-01-29 16:39:41

God apparently has been jonesing for a match race between Barbaro and Secretariat....and after that Barbaro can plow the back 40.

  • [tears] We loved you, Beautiful Barbaro, and may you rest in peace now. You put up a good fight, the very best. I wish peace and healing upon everyone who has been touched by this magnificent animal.
    Cheryl Heinrichs, 55; Hays, KS, USAposted on 2007-01-29 16:19:11

This one isn't especially crazy but I did enjoy the stage direction [tears] to start things off. She forgot to put this at the end though [stops typing and goes to feed 40 cats and die alone]

  • Been writing since the beginning this one weighs heavy on my heart been crying all day sorry to all what a fighter he was..still think the Dr.from Kentucky caused this.... Barbaro had a heart of a champion... Love Cindy & Anthony Capurso
    Cindy & Anthony Capurso, 60; Astoria NY Queens, NY, posted on 2007-01-29 16:19:11

Let's just get beyond the "crying all day" part and move straight to the meat of this post. "The Dr from Kentucky caused this." Is there some sort of medical malpractice Barbaro conspiracy theory I didn't know about? I hate to break this to you Cindy and Anthony but I'm pretty sure the cause of all this was Barbaro snapping his leg in three places. Horses are usually put down on the track for an injury like this....just sayin....

  • There are no words to express the emptiness. We must all console each other the best we can. Our hearts go out to the Jacksons, and even more, to Dr. Richardson and his devoted team. Love of animals is hardest when we are helpless to help them.
    Marcia; New London, PA, posted on 2007-01-29 16:14:50

I know how Marcia feels. I felt the same emptiness when Bambi's mother died, and I knew Bambi's mom about as much as Marcia knows Barbaro.

    Sandy Yarborough, 55; Roswell, NM, posted on 2007-01-29 15:32:13

Either Sandy is yelling or her caps lock is broken. Hate to break (pun intended) this to you Sandy but in order to win the Triple Crown you usually need to win three races. I must say that the amount of exclamation points at the end of this post frightens me a little. Maybe because she's from Roswell the aliens did some experiments on her that renders Sandy incapable of using less excessive amounts of random punctuation.

  • Barbaro: You will live in my heart forever. Your beauty and courage set an example for all of us. You are a true champion, the likes of which we will never see again. Heaven holds a special place for angels like you.
    Abby Petrone, 47; Chicago, IL, United Statesposted on 2007-01-29 15:27:02

Apparently Barbaro standing in a stall and eating is the measure of courage to which all things are now applied. Hyperbole is a friend of the insane folks.

  • Goodbye, brave and beautiful boy! Go back to the wind, and nevermore have to tolerate the weakness and ignorance of mortal man! You're finally running in endless fields, at last....and in no more need of our prayers. Run on, Barbaro!
    Adela Henninger, 47; Rathdrum, ID, USAposted on 2007-01-29 15:26:47

Um...what? I'm assuming the "ignorance of mortal man" is referring to the pooled intelligence of all the people who write message board posts to a dead horse. RUN ON, BARBARO! YOU ARE FREE OF THE LUNATICS NOW!

  • Thank you for sharing Barbaro. He is a hero. God needs him now. Hearts are broken for the family, the doctors and the team. Thanks to all who took care of the greatest horse that ever lived. Baby Barbaro, run and jump as high as u want to!
    Suzanne, 49; Gastonia, NC, USAposted on 2007-01-29 15:25:45

So let me get this straight. All you have to do to be regarded as a hero by Suzanne is to run 1 1/4 miles, win by 6 lengths, and then break your leg. Let me give you a small tip Suzanne, it's probably better to use the word "hero" when referring to people like soldiers, police officers, and fire fighters, not horses. There's really nothing "heroic" about what Barbaro did. Also the "greatest horse that ever lived?!?!" Are you kidding me?!?! Somewhere in Heaven, Secretariat is getting ready to own Barbaro's sorry ass.

  • My heart is just breaking & my tears will not stop. Dear Beautiful Boy, May your journey across the Rainbow Bridge be painfree and now may you run with all of the other Champions that are waiting for you. God bless, Fancy
    Fancy Allen, 39; Richmond, VA, USAposted on 2007-01-29 15:07:52

I also believe that when I die I will be crossing a rainbow bridge on my way to Heaven....and at the end of it will be the Care Bears.

  • I can't describe the awesome whirlwind of emotions I've felt over the last eight months--you've given all of us so much strength. I plan to name my first child Barbaro, in hopes that he has half the heart that you did. --Michael Sambuceti, 24; New York, NY, USA posted on 2007-01-29 14:25:18

There are many things disturbing about this last post. First of all this is a guy and he's only 24. What the hell is wrong with you? Aren't you supposed to be out getting drunk or something? Instead he's posting on a dead horse's message board about the "whirlwind of emotions" he's felt. Normally I would be worried for the child that he is going to apparently name Barbaro (karma would dictate that this kid would win the mile in track only to snap his leg in three places at the state track meet....) but judging by the fact that Michael posted on this message board I'm going to assume that he's not getting laid anytime in the near future. Phew....that takes a load off my mind.

Now, before I get all these nasty comments let me assure you that I realize that this is a sad event. It's sad that Barbaro had to be put down, but come on. Sorry to say it but PEOPLE are dying every day in this world and they don't get 1/1000 of this kind of attention. Since Barbaro has passed maybe now you crazy's can turn your attention to the soldiers dying in Iraq or perhaps the situation in Darfur. You know...stuff that involves ACTUAL heroes.

Rest in Peace Barbaro. These crazy people won't be bothering you anymore.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Avoiding the Noise Day Four: The Magic of NFL Films

This man is really doing God's work

Do you realize that the last bit of actual NFL programming I watched was the moment after Peyton Manning kneeled down to seal the game against the Pats? I've managed to avoid it all. Of course this means I haven't been able to see SportsCenter, but thanks to the interweb I've been able to keep up with the goings on with all of my teams (let's not discuss Michigan's performance in Madison last night shall we?) In my effort to find ways to fill this gap in my sports viewing I've tried many options, but today I may have found the best one. What better way to fill the football void than

Now as I've said before the Senior Bowl has been doing a great job of filling some of the football watching void. Listening to some draft analysis is good for my soul, but there is still a little bit of me that misses the NFL a little bit. Not enough to make me want to flip on NFL Live, mostly because I may run into Merrill Hoge, but enough to feel a small void. Today I found the answer to that void....NFL FILMS BABY!

ESPN is currently running NFL Films Super Bowl highlight films during the day and these are easily the best thing on TV right now. Every highlight film is set up by Steve Sabol, who runs NFL films, and he always does a decent job giving a brief description of the storylines of that particular season before setting up the title of the highlight film. They are always something corny like "Gold Rush" for one of the 49ers wins but I think that adds to the charm a bit. When I was a kid ESPN would run these all Super Bowl Sunday before the game and I would just watch that all day instead of the six (can you actually believe they spend this much time on ONE FREAKING GAME!) hours of pre-game coverage.

Nothing can really duplicate the NFL Films music and John Facenda's voice over the highlights. Just great stuff. Today I caught a bit of the 49ers beat down of the Chargers. Watching that really reminded me how brutal of a beating that really was. Steve Young threw six (!) TD passes in that game. I guess the best analogy I could come up with is that the 49ers were Kobe and the Chargers were...nevermind...

That being said this was a welcome diversion in my day and I would totally recommend watching as many of these as you can. What better way to get ready for the Super Bowl than by watching all the greatness of the past ones? Okay...maybe skip the Ravens/Giants one...but even that game would be better than watching Salisbury and Hoge obsess over whether Peyton was able to thumb wrestle with Eli this week...this bye week is just freaking brutal...ugh. A little over a week to go!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Avoiding the Noise Day Three: The Other End of the Spectrum

Wait....they started hockey season?

In my efforts to make it the full two weeks to the Super Bowl without watching a minute of the pre-game coverage I've gone a couple of avenues. Yesterday I found watching Senior Bowl practice to be a pretty good way to avoid the coverage while combining my love of the NFL Draft and College Football...but Senior Bowl practice can only get me so far. I need more things to fill the void. So imagine my amazement when I find out on this series of tubes we call the internets that the NHL All Star game is tonight! First of all since when do they put this game on a Wednesday night? I read it's because Betteman and his infinite wisdom decided that this was the best way to "showcase" the game and get it more exposure....

Well I don't have a degree in marketing but your first problem with this whole "exposure" issue is the fact that you are broadcast on some network called "Versus." This network was previously famous (read: not) for its coverage of the Tour De France. Um, how do you expect to get exposure playing on a network that's only other sports coverage was limited to freaking cycling? Seriously? Who thought this was a good idea? I'm not really that amazed that this league shut down for a year with idiots like this running the show. I realize that ESPN was lowballing you NHL and the crazy wackjobs from Comcast came to your door with a few more dollar bills. So you go with the company that may not be as good, but hey...they're paying us more! SCORE! Here's the problem with that. While the short term gain is something, the long term loss will probably be more. The NHL has a bunch of young stars and the game is more wide open thanks to new rules. This is the time the NHL should be using to grow a bigger national following in the hopes of landing a bigger TV deal when the current one expires. Instead....they are floundering on a shitty network and wasting the early years of some future megastars. No one is watching the NHL...and a lot of it has to do with the people in charge making a grab for the easy money instead of making the more sound investment with a real network and taking a hit in the interim but hopefully building up to a strong future.

The second mistake is this dumb as hell All Star scheduling. Does anyone in the NHL watch TV? Why in God's name do you put your All Star game up against American Idol? It's on EVERY DAMN JANUARY! Did this just sneak up on your dumb asses? And don't tell me it's a different audience. These are the people the NHL wants to make into their new fans. Young people with lots of spending power. Go look at American Idol's demos. They BLOW AWAY the competition in the male 18-34 demo. Gee...I'm sure the NHL may want some of those viewers....but instead Betteman decides to put his All Star game up against that instead of putting it on a weekend with no football and up against such juggernauts as The Apprentice and Desperate Housewives. I'm not a betting man, but I'm guessing the ratings would be a bit better on Sunday.

Is it a requirement to work for the NHL offices to have your head stuck directly up your ass? Seriously...what the fuck. It just amazes me that people who are paid rather well and probably went to pretty good schools can fuck up something this badly. This is basic shit here. Let me spell this out for you so you can understand....DON'T PROGRAM ONE OF YOUR SHOWCASE EVENTS AGAINST AMERICAN IDOL AND ON A PIECE OF SHIT NETWORK THAT BARELY ANYONE KNOWS EVEN EXISTS! If I were the NHL I would be saving every penny of that TV money Comcast gave this rate they may be paying the TV stations to air them next time....

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Avoiding the Noise Day Two: Godsend

Guns don't kill people...Lamar Woodley does...

Today I'm sitting at work and I start to wonder how I'm actually going to make it through these two weeks without watching any sports analysis. How can I do this? I've watched SportsCenter for pretty much every day of my life since I turned 8. Some kids watched Power Rangers and cartoons in the morning but I was up watching SportsCenter (and the Sports Reporters on Sundays...can you believe that shit? I wish I could go back in time and tell a young me how stupid most of those guys sound and not to waste my time) and perhaps a bit of Saved by the Bell....what can I say? I was a sucker for Kelly....but I digress.

So I thought long and hard about what I was going to do to occupy my time and then it hit me. IT'S SENIOR BOWL WEEK!!! That's right folks. It's the start of my second favorite time of year (behind College Football season)....NFL DRAFT TIME! The NFL Network (I about getting way to close to the enemy) is showing Senior Bowl practice all week and analyzing prospects for the draft. HELL YES! Plus they have the game itself on Saturday! Now I can sit back and start my NFL offseason a whole week early.

I'm pretty big into the NFL draft. It combines College Football and the NFL...two things I love. Plus it's the only time of year a Lions fan can actually feel optimistic...though if we draft that bed wetting Brady Quinn I may jump off my apartment building. Just sayin.

I know what you're thinking here though, "Aren't you going to run into some Super Bowl hype by watching the NFL Network." I know I'm walking on eggshells here. One false move and I'll be hearing Steve Mariucci or Deion Sanders discussing Tony Dungy's new found big game greatness or what Peyton Manning heroically ate for breakfast on the day of the AFC Championship.

So here's my plan. I'm using the awesome power that is my DVR to record the Senior Bowl coverage and therefore I don't actually have to turn on the NFL Network itself, thus aiding in avoiding a potential pratfall. Plus, I can then pause and fast forward anytime a commercial is on (Peyton is in 2 of every 4) and also just in case they decide to talk a little Super Bowl instead of focusing on the Senior Bowl in the broadcast. IT'S A PERFECT SYSTEM!

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go watch my man Lamar Woodley greatly improve his draft status during one on one drills against the future draft bust Joe Thomas. Enjoy your evening!

Monday, January 22, 2007

Avoiding the Noise Day One: Withdrawals

Tyrone knows all about withdrawals

Well I made it. Day one of avoiding any and all live sports programming and I'm still here. Granted I'm huddled in a fetal position on my floor and typing this with one hand but I totally made it. No SportsCenter, no Cold Pizza (not a huge loss), no ESPNEWS...absolutely no sports analysis on TV. I even avoided live games just in case they decide to start talking about the Super Bowl. Trust happens. Dick Vitale talked about Steve Mariucci getting fired during a college basketball can totally happen.

As it stands I have 12 days left to avoid any and all sports analysis. I experienced a little withdrawal this evening when my hand automatically wanted to turn
SportsCenter on when I got home from work...but I fought the urge and flipped on reruns of Seinfeld. It was hard mind you but I rested a bit easier knowing that all I was missing was Sean Salisbury waxing poetic (in a way only he can) on how fantastic Peyton, and Tony Dungy are. Just the thought gives me chills.

With one day down I'm pretty optimistic that I can make it through this, but I'm going to have to get a bit more creative with things to do. Heroes isn't on every night and Lost doesn't come back until next week. I suppose tomorrow I could be a good American and get watch the State of the Union, but by the end of that I'm sure I'll want to throw a remote through the TV.

No matter what I end up doing I remain committed to avoiding any and all Super Bowl analysis. I SHALL PREVAIL! Now isn't it time for

Bears Fans....Classy read that right

So remember when I said Bears fans were douchebags? There's your proof. That's an actual sign from Soldier's Field yesterday. Nice to see the citizens of Chicago are as classy as ever. Maybe at the Super Bowl they can make signs making fun of Cooper Manning's spinal disease. The best part is I'm sure the fan who made this thought it was funny. Maybe we should have him take it to the ninth ward and hold it up for awhile and see how funny he thinks it is then. Just amazing...

Just to clarify not ALL Bears fans are douchebags. Just the majority....

The End is Near...

Where I'll be spending the next two weeks

That's it. I'm moving to Montana and living in a shack for the next two weeks. Not only do the Colts win but the BEARS TOO?!?! So instead of just being treated to analysis of how best to suck off Peyton Manning, I ALSO get to see the Super Bowl shuffle on a constant loop too!! GREAT! If you thought the coverage of Jerome Bettis was horrible last year (I think he may be from Detroit...don't know if you knew that....) just wait. We're all going to be treated to countless stories on how Peyton finally won a big game....and if that's not enough we'll probably be treated to about 1,000 different Archie Manning interviews too! CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT?!?!

Today I think CBS cut away to the freaking Manning box about 3 or 4 thousand times to see just how the Manning family was reacting to pretty much everything on the field. "And there's an incomplete pass by Manning. Let's see how Archie and Eli are taking it." On a related note, was anybody else struck by how unenthusiastic Eli was after the Colts scored the winning touchdown? He had the same look as when he threw that dumb interception against the Titans. Now THAT was worth my time. Anyway, can you imagine the amount of Manning Family shots CBS is going to use for the Super Bowl?!? Ugh....they will probably even send Lesley Visser up there for an interview and lord knows we don't need to see that.

Plus the announcing fun has already gotten underway. Jim Nantz gave us a little preview of the Super Bowl when he decided to speak in complete hyperbole for the entire last 10 minutes of the game. The last drive was the "most important in Peyton Manning's life" and with 1st and 10 on the Pats 11 those were the "most important eleven yards in Peyton Manning's career" and so on and so forth. It's enough to make me actually want to cheer for the Bears before I remember what that they are from Chicago and the majority of their fans (NOT the e-mail) are idiots who actually obsessed this week over which team Ditka was going with.

Well I for one can't take the amount of crap I'm about to hear/see over the next two weeks so it's time to rent out a Unabomber shack and start work on that Flux Capacitor so maybe I can make these two weeks go just that much faster.....

Sunday, January 21, 2007

The Pats Need to Win for the Good of Mankind

Let's hope we see a lot of the sad Peyton today...if not may God have mercy on us all

So I've returned from my week long absence on a day where the world as we know it could come to an end. This evening the Indianapolis Colts take on the New England Patriots for the AFC Championship and, for a least one week, I'm joining in with all of New England in the hopes that Peyton Manning goes down in flames yet again.

If you've read any of this blog you are fully aware that I'm a fan (read: prisoner) of the Detroit Lions so you're probably wondering why it is that I have such disgust for Peyton. I'm glad you asked. Well first off as a Michigan fan I still hold a grudge for him taking a shit in the Orange Bowl against Nebraska, thus allowing the Huskers to steal half of the National Championship...but it goes way further then that.

Can you imagine a world where Peyton Manning has actually won a big game? Football commentators have long wanted to gush uncontrollably about Peyton being the greatest QB ever to walk the Earth, but up until now have been stopped by the fact that he tanks it when it means the most. His big game chokes are like a dam and if he were to win this game then the dam would be broken and the flood would come....and you don't want the flood. Can you imagine the two week build up to Peyton finally playing in the Super Bowl? Sean Salisbury is already salivating at the chance go bow at the alter of Peyton.

Now I know what you're saying, "Won't it be the same with Tom Brady/Bill Belichick if the Pats win?" Granted this is not the ideal situation. I wish the Chargers were in this game, but since the only team that stands in Peyton's way is the Patriots then I guess it's going to have to be them. The difference between the Pats and the Colts it that they've been there so many times that there really isn't much more commentators can really say about their it won't be quite as insufferable. It will suck a bit...but not as much as it would be if Peyton finally made it.

That and I'm sure if Peyton made it to the Super Bowl he'd get EVEN MORE endorsement deals (if that's even possible). I mean right now he's a goofy looking great QB who chokes whenever the word "Bowl," "Championship," or "Florida" is involved and he's still on one out of every 4 commercials in an NFL Broadcast...just imagine what it would be like if he was a winner too....NOOOO!!!

Plus as an added bonus we'd also be treated to stories on the greatness of Tony Dungy. Never mind the fact that he's supposed to be this defensive guru yet his Colts teams have perpetually sucked at defense (these last two games were smoke and mirrors against a dumbass head coach and a Baltimore offense that still sucks ass) or the fact that in big games he doesn't seem to be able to keep his hands off his neck. Has this guy ever been criticized by NFL analysts? If he has I've never heard it. How does he continually get a free pass? This shit doesn't make sense to me.

So I will be rooting for the Pats because I dislike Peyton and the Colts. Thus far I'm 1-0 in 2007 in rooting for teams just to spite the team they are playing (Florida) so I'm hoping I go 2-0 tonight with the Pats. Please win New England.....I don't know if I want to live in a world with Peyton as a winner....


Oh...and GO SAINTS too...I really don't want to cheer for New England in the Super Bowl too...

Friday, January 12, 2007

Welcome Home Asshole

At least this time he's getting paid legally

Well it looks like, if you are to believe the report on Yahoo Sports, Chris Webber is finally coming home to come off the bench for the Detroit Pistons. Forgive me if I'm not really excited at the prospect of having to cheer for that douchebag again.

As I'm sure you're aware, throughout his time at Michigan Webber took money from a booster named Ed Martin. It didn't come out while he was in school, but eventually after a car accident involving a few players in the late 90's everything came out. Webber continually lied about taking money from Martin to the point where he was going to stand trial for lying to a Grand Jury...that is until Martin had a heart attack and died. The charges were then dropped since Martin was really the only eye-witness and Webber went on his merry way.

The NCAA wasn't so forgiving to Michigan though. All the records from Webber's time at Michigan have been erased. Final Four banners have been taken down, and the team was left in a hole so deep that they are still climbing out today. Chris Webber helped ruin Michigan basketball. Now I'm sure there are some who are saying, "But didn't he make Michigan basketball in the first place?" and to that I call you an idiot. Michigan basketball was a good program before Chris Webber showed up. They won the NCAA Title in 1989 behind Glenn Rice and a couple of Rumeal Robinson free throws. Then Webber showed up and took money and the whole thing came crashing down.

So now a broken down and somewhat gimpy Chris Webber is coming home to try and help the Pistons win a championship. Great...just fucking great. I'm sure that now you'll read a bunch of local stories about the Detroit kid coming home to redeem himself (in fact...Mitch Albom has already written one. Way to be on the ball Mitch! Can't wait to hear your Webber monologue on the Sports Reporters Sunday! I'm sure it will be somewhat folksy and not funny!) and perhaps there will be some who will call on the fans to give Webber a break. I will not be one of those fans.

I love college basketball. I may not love it as much as college football but I love the sport. Chris Webber has robbed me of watching a quality team at my school for the past 9 freaking years. He destroyed Michigan's program and the worst part is he never owned up to it. And now he's coming to the Pistons and probably expecting all to be forgiven for his glorious homecoming. Well this is one fan who's never going to forgive. I may give him a small clap if he helps bring Detroit an NBA title...but that's about it.

Chris Webber is a lying asshole who couldn't wait the two years to get out of college to make his money and in turn destroyed a program. Let me be the first to say this though...

Welcome home Chris....and fuck you.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Go West Fat Fans!

Soon to be a picture of every fan in the right field pavilion at Dodger Stadium

I don't know if you've read this but apparently the Dodgers announced today that they are turning their right field pavilion seats into an all you can eat extravaganza for fans. At this point I can hear enormous men, like our pictured friend, gasping for breath wanting to hear the details of this grand plan (or they just moved slightly and are rather winded...either way)

Well for $35 (ironically $15 more then a 30 day trial membership at Bally's....but then again the people interested in this don't go to that's falling on deaf ears) you can belly up to the trough and get as many soft drinks, hot dogs, peanuts, nachos, and popcorn as you can cram down your throat (LA Dodger Food Funnels sold at stadium) Wonderful. As if sports fans weren't already fat enough, typically I'm seated next to an enormous sweaty guy at every sporting event, now they can go to a game and get even fatter.

Dodgers' Executive Vice President Marty Greenspun had this to say about the whole thing...

"Instead of paying cash, fans ask for whatever they want, and they get it. There are going to be some self-service parts, buffet-style, as well"

So am I to believe that these self service parts will include cheese dispensers so the industrious fan can just shove his face full of chips and then just funnel the cheese directly into his mouth? Or maybe there can just be a conveyor belt of hot dogs and fans can just eat and eat and eat. I know I for one can't go to a baseball game and just eat 15 hot dogs. I need 30. And don't give me this "well it's for convenience" crap. The old tickets were $10 a piece. I bet a good amount of money you could snag 2 hot dogs and a soda for less then the $25 needed to justify the price. This is just a case of people who can't control their eating habits in the first place being allowed to engorge themselves further AND watch a mediocre baseball team as well.

The only saving grace for this plan is that the food vendors for this open 90 minutes before the game and close 2 hours after the start. This is probably good since LA fans are known for being late (if they come at all) so odds are most "fans" will only have an hour to undue any amount of exercise they've done in the past 10 years.

I say next year they just add troughs to the backs of seats and have ushers come by and keep filling them. That way not only do fans have to deal with the "trouble" of having to actually use cash, they also won't have to actually get up and walk to the concession stand. It's a win win!

Oh and before you get any ideas Crazy Alcoholic isn't'll just have to sneak in your cheap booze in a flask like you always do so you can get just the right "buzz" to yell obscenities, try and start the wave, and challenge each person in the section to a least until next year....

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Apology to Jim Walden

What Jim Walden sees in his dreams every night

Since the national title beatdown that Florida put on Ohio State, I've seen a couple of comments saying that I owe an apology to Harris voter and noted idiot Jim Walden for my comments that I made here about him putting Florida number one in his final Harris Poll ballot (he was the only person in any poll to put Florida number one)

The problem is I'm not going to apologize. Walden is still an idiot and is also a liar. Just going by his own quotes he contradicts himself in his last poll (whether he was right or not). After Texas lost to Ohio State he said,
"You're never going to get me to vote for one team ahead of a team that's only lost to the best team in the country."
So basically Walden is a liar. I mean he had Ohio State number one in his poll every week (the unanimous vote totals from the week before should be a small clue) and yet voted Florida ahead of both Michigan (whose only loss at that point was to Walden's own "Best Team in the Country") and Ohio State (who he had number one up until that point).

His reasoning for putting Florida number one was their tough schedule. Well if that was the case then why wasn't Florida always number one in Walden's poll? In fact I'm willing to bet that before the SEC championship Florida was number FOUR in Walden's poll behind USC, and Michigan as they were in the majority of ballots. So if Walden was so convinced that Florida's schedule made them number one they why did he rank teams ahead of them before the last week of the season? It's not like they blew Arkansas off the field, and he didn't even cite that game as his evidence. He said this after when asked about his ballot,

“I’ll give you nine reasons why Florida is No. 1 - Georgia, LSU, Tennessee, Auburn, Kentucky, South Carolina, Alabama, Southern Mississippi [and Arkansas]. Then you add Florida State to that, and 11 out of 13 weeks you had to play as good as you could play."

He also called the Big Ten "a joke." Again if he really believed the shit he was spewing then why wasn't Florida always number one in his poll? You know why? Because he's an idiot who manipulated his poll to make sure Michigan didn't make the BCS Championship game. Simple. He wanted Florida in the title game so he bumped them up to one to help make that possible and then gave a few quotes to put a reasoning behind it. Was he right? Sure, but that doesn't change the fact that he spouted off his mouth about why he did it and how he votes and THROUGH HIS OWN VOTES showed that he's an idiot who doesn't know what the hell he is doing. If you really believed all this shit Walden and were just "voting with your gut" then maybe you would have more credibility if you hadn't voted a completely different way ALL SEASON! I would totally give the man his just due if he actually had voted that way all season, but he didn't, so therefore he's nothing more then an idiot who manipulates a system he shouldn't be apart of. But congrats on "getting it right" one week when you were wrong for the rest of the season. *Clap* *Clap*

So no apology from me to Jim Walden. The guy is still an idiot who has no business voting in a poll that determines who plays in the National Championship game.

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

What the Hell was That?

This sorry fellow needs some grief counseling

Last night Florida deicided to show everyone exactly what an all out ass beating looks like by just destroying Ohio State to win the BCS National Championship. I'm pretty much at a loss for words on this one. I'm not stunned that Florida won the game (underdogs have won 6 of the last 7 BCS titles) but it was how they won the game.

Ted Ginn returns the opening kick for a touchdown and I, like most of America outside of the South, thought that was the start of a Ohio State coronation. Instead the Gators tied the Buckeyes to a tree and beat them mercilessly with a shovel. Ohio State gained 84 yards....FOR THE WHOLE FREAKING GAME! That was less then Ted Ginn's kickoff return! What the hell happened?

Maybe the Vest has lost his mojo, or perhaps the Troy Smith was depressed that this was his last game in college before taking a pay cut to join the NFL (ZING~!) but was the first time I've seen a Vest coached Ohio State team shit the bed in a big game. It was just unbelievable.

I know as a Michigan fan I should be giddy at this colossal beatdown of the Buckeyes, and a large part of me is, but I'm a bit dissappointed that the Big Ten's best were shown the door rather easily in their bowl games. Kind of puts a damper on the whole season. Oh least I don't have to listen to idiots from Columbus talk about their "dynasty in the making."

Now it's time to look to next season and here's hoping it ends with me drunk and celebrating in New Orleans after Michigan gets their shit together and finishes a season right. GO BLUE!

Monday, January 8, 2007

BCS Title Game Tonight....Yay?

This whole thing just makes me feel really dirty

So tonight is the night I've been waiting for dreading for the past few weeks. It's the BCS Title Game between Ohio State and Florida. Hooray Michigan Fans! For some reason I just haven't been able to get up for this game. I'm guessing it's because neither outcome is really going to make me all that happy. In fact I was actually having a difficult time figuring out who I even wanted to win this debacle. I guess a tie is out of the question with overtime and all so I will have to throw my rooting interest over to Florida.

This was a lot harder before Michigan decided to not show up for the Rose Bowl. Florida wins this game and the BCS "got it right" and idiots like Gary Danielson will be able to say "I told you so." But in the end does anybody really want to have to deal with Buckeye fans after another national championship? Really? I honestly can't deal with the constant shit talking I would have to deal with for the next 10-15 years if they win another national title. Even if Michigan were to come back next year and win a title you still wouldn't be able to shut up the Buckeyes (at least the majority of them...there are a few sane Buckeye fans out there....I can probably count them on one hand)

So in a game where I have to pick a poison I will have to choose the Gators....even if that comes with Gary Danielson....

On second thought...can we just start next season right now? Please?

Ugh...Go Gators....

Friday, January 5, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: Tigers Sign Timo Perez. Parade Route for 2007 World Series Parade Being Planned

Newest Tiger Timo Perez seen here posing for his High School ID picture by Lifetouch Portrait Studios

As the baseball offseason has wore on I've been sitting by and waiting for the Tigers to do something that would improve the team and signal a 2007 World Series Championship. First they went and got Gary Sheffield, and I yawned a bit. I mean he's a great hitter and all but what the Tigers were missing last year, besides a copy of Tom Emanski's Defensive Drills DVD, was that "it" factor that makes a team a champion. Does Sheff really bring that? Well he does bring the crazy which is always fun for a 162 game season, and I'm sure he'll be out to prove to people he can still swing the bat after an injury riddled season....but he doesn't bring the "it" to me.

Then the Tigers went out and re-signed Sean Casy, extended Jeremy Bonderman and Brandon Inge (a side note to don't have to swing at EVERY pitch...just a suggestion), and signed Jose Mesa for bullpen help. They even went out and got what could be a nice little gem in the Rule 5 draft, but none of this really got me excited. Where is the "it" guy that was going to take us over the top?

Then today the Tigers went and did it. They signed TIMO PEREZ! I know what you're did we sign Timo Perez?! He's AWESOME! Well to that I say that now Detroit is a desirable destination for in demand free agents like Timo. He had offers from Japan and some Mexican league team, but he totally shot them down to come to Detroit. This move pretty much means that you can start buying your World Series tickets right now. I don't even know why we are going through the charade of playing out the season. Look at the last two teams Timo was on....

2005 Chicago White Sox.....Won the World Series

2006 St. Louis Cardinals.....Won the World Series

Now some of you will say that Timo didn't take a swing during last year's postseason and had little to do with the Cardinals winning the World Series. I say you aren't looking deep enough. Just having Timo in the organization caused the Tigers pitchers to go crazy and throw the ball into the seats about 892 times during the World Series. He just brings that kind of presence to the game, even when he's not in the dugout. The man just wins championships people, and now he's a Detroit Tiger! Nevermind that he probably won't play much and is really only a left handed bat they will use in certain situations. Timo is a freaking winner! So put the champagne on ice Detroit....Timo's bringing a championship!

Thursday, January 4, 2007

Matt Millen Stays with Lions, and Earth Also Confirmed to be Round

Moments like these remind me why I love the Lions....or not

I know this happened a few days ago, but since I was in a Rose Bowl induced coma I failed to register my comments. In the biggest surprise (read: not) of the offseason the Lions announced that Matt Millen is coming back next year. Anybody who really knows the Lions knew this was going to happen before the season even started. William Clay Ford Sr is a senile old man who likes his TV black and white and doesn't adapt to change well. When he hires somebody he hires them for the long haul. Remember, this is the guy who kept Wayne Fontes all those years...

The winningest coach in Lions joke

Millen has shown that he's probably the worst front office leader this side of Isiah Thomas, but that doesn't matter to Ford. Millen is loyal and fiery and that's what Willie likes. What I love is that Millen refuses to quit saying that he's not a quitter. Well no one likes a quitter, but I believe in this case Detroit fans would make an exception.

So now we're left with at least another season of Millen running the show (and unless Ford dies and Jr. takes over I'm guessing 2008 is in the bag for Millen as well) and I'm just going to try and enjoy the ride. With the Lions holding the second pick in the draft, there's no telling what crazy shit Millen can come up with. I will say that it will get a little tiring watching Sean Salisbury make the "Lions looking at receiver" joke about 9,757 times between now and draft day (that guy runs a line into the freaking ground....don't even get me started) but all in all it should at least be an interesting offseason.

It'll probably go something like this, the Lions will draft a sexy offensive player (they always do) that looks good on paper. They sign a couple of "character" guys as free agents from good teams but may be a little old or were never really exposed because they were playing on a good team (Damien Woody type) and the fans will slowly get excited about the season. During training camp you'll hear that the Lions "attitude" has changed and that they might be ready to win. The "experts" will make their predictions about how the Lions could be 8-8 or 9-7 and in a shitty NFC that could be good enough for the playoffs.....and everyone will have a small sense of optimism....and then....the season starts and they go 5-11 and fans are planning shitty protests that don't go anywhere and we're back at this point with Millen saying he's back for 2008 saying that they are going to get things right. There you go...the 2007 Lions season even before it starts....ugh....

Well at least the Tigers should be good....

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

Picking Up the Pieces

Super Mario just lost the princess to that douche Dwayne Jarrett

A day has now passed since Michigan got steamrolled by USC in the Rose Bowl and I'm still at a loss for answers. What the hell happened to the offensive line? It seemed like Chad Henne had about 2.5 seconds before a USC defender was in his face as apparently the line, which had been great all season, forgot how to block. There are few things worse then seeing Henne deal with pressure. As I said in my preview if you get defenders on him he tends to kind of tuck the ball in and turtle, and that's pretty much what happened on every other pass play in the Rose Bowl. Defenders surround Henne, Henne struggles to move up in pocket, Henne is sacked. Just horrible to watch.

The offensive line also forgot how to zone block for the running game as Mike Hart was held in check all day. Hart gained 10 yards on Michigan's first play from scrimmage and then pretty much disappeared for the rest of the game. I don't blame this on Hart as it seemed whenever he got the ball he had two or three defenders on him immediately. Doesn't really matter how shifty you are if you have three guys bearing down on your ass. Maybe the long layoff threw Michigan's line off their rhythm, but if that's the case then USC did a damn good job of adjusting to a similar layoff, which means something is wrong with the coaching on that one.

Michigan's defense was also scorched in the second half by John David Booty and Dwayne Jarrett. As usual the front four was able to stop USC's rushing attack, but the difference in this game was that they weren't able to get any sort of pass rush on Booty. Branch played well in spots (including that forced fumble) but didn't step up enough. Woodley was nowhere to be seen unless you count him getting blocked as Booty threw another TD pass. I don't know if Leon Hall was really burned as much as Willis Barringer hung him out to dry on a couple of throws where he should have been the safety help over the top. Morgan Trent was picked on all day and showed that he still has a bit of maturing to go. I think the only defender who really had a great game was David Harris who delivered that bone jarring hit on Jarrett that forced him to drop that touchdown pass that kept the game close for longer then it should have. Where was the defense that shut down every (except for a great Ohio State team) this year? It's like they knew how to play for 11 games and then decided to shut it down for two games. The worst part of it all is that this is the side of the ball where Michigan loses a lot of their best players next season so they may have to try and outscore teams next year....hmmm...

Coaching was your typical Michigan game plan. Run the ball (even if it obviously isn't working) until you are down by 2 scores and then start throwing the ball when the defense actually expects it and can just blitz. This game was tied at 3 at half....then USC made adjustments on offense and blew it open. Where were Michigan's adjustments? I was just watching the game at home and noticed that USC was bringing the house every third down....why not adjust and change things up a bit? Michigan finally went to the shotgun late but that was when USC had already put their foot on the throat so it didn't really matter.

I'm not a reactionary Michigan fan who thinks we should fire Lloyd Carr after every defeat and alike, but I do think that the time has come for Lloyd to perhaps deviate from the Michigan way of playing offense. Bo is dead now, and the Michigan "Run, Run, Run" offensive philosophy should probably go with him. Michigan continually recruits strong armed QB's and very talented wide receivers and yet they still rely way to much on the run and keeping games low scoring. Unfortunately that's not the way college football is anymore. I'd rather win games 45-39 then lose. Simple as that. I'm not saying they need to go to a wacky spread offense like our friends in East Lansing (great results there too) but maybe more shotgun and four receiver sets. Get some quick hits on slants and alike and let the athletes Michigan recruits show off their skills with the ball. Yes you still need to be able to run to win and Michigan will still run the ball, but you have to change things up a bit to win in the new era of college football. Next season may be the best chance Michigan gets at a National Title for a few years and they need to take advantage.

Please Lloyd...change things up a bit....I'm really getting sick of seeing scenes like this every January...

I'm really starting to hate USC....that hand signal is dumb as hell by the way...

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Trying to Forget This Happened....

Dwayne Jarrett is good....but he's still a douchebag

I'm still recovering from this year's Michigan Bowl Meltdown (tm) and I can't really put much into words. Will probably post tomorrow after picking up the pieces. Can't say I'm really shocked because I've seen this show before (the last 4 years). I'm struggling to look for answers as to why the Wolverines can't put things together in bowls. Maybe it's the long layoff, maybe they've just run into great teams (USC twice,, I just don't know. The defense looked terrible (especially in the 2nd half) and the offense was horrible too. Ugh...another post on this will come in time but right now I think I'm going to be sick....