Matt Millen's NFL Draft Tomfoolery (tm)

I'm a fucking genius. BOW AND KNEEL BEFORE MILLEN!

Well the NFL Draft is fast approaching, which is what we Lions fans like to call "Our Super Bowl," so what better time to check in and see what our fearless leader Matt Millen* has to think about some of the top prospects whose careers could be wasted in the Honolulu Blue and Silver.

Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame

Millen's Take: "Well this kid is a little pretty, you know? I like that. You know Joey Harrington was like a son to me, and he was a kind pretty too. I know I'm a badass former NFL linebacker but I have a soft spot in my heart for the cute guys. He really is shitty in big games which is fine for us because we don't play any big games anyway. Can't really deal with a pass rush, but he'll get better at it from all the practice he'd have here in Detroit. I think getting smashed to bits builds character which is why I've decided not to upgrade the offensive line since I've been here. Makes the game more interesting. Also Brady doesn't help our team immediately which is great because they I can tell Mr. Ford to give me more time since he needs that to develop. Should get me another contract extension. SCORE!"

Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin

Millen's Take: "This is a big fucking kid. He may have even had a chance to block me if he had any testicles. He went to Wisconsin where he probably just sat around in the snow eating cheese and having sex with overweight women in Brett Favre jerseys. I fucking hate the Packers. Why can't we beat them? If I were still young and playing at Penn State I would have beat the shit out of this kid. He may have quick feet but I'm MATT MILLEN. You don't block Matt Millen if you are from some pussy school like Wisconsin. I also don't even need this kid. I traded for some guy from Denver who can fuck up pass blocking better then any offensive tackle I've seen in awhile so I wouldn't want to risk drafting someone who may play the position well. I have a reputation to protect."

Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma

Millen's Take: "Now here's a kid who's got it all. He's got an injury history like Chuck Rogers, which puts him near the top of my list. Our doctors already have a lot of experience dealing with broken collarbones so we wouldn't have to learn anything new to deal with AP. We also have a loaded depth chart at running back, which means at the press conference I can say, "Well I was looking at the board and I took the best athlete available," which always makes me sound so fucking smart. Problem is I got Marinelli over here telling me he doesn't need this kid. You know what? Fuck need! Maybe I'll fire Marinelli and get some other coach whose last name starts with M. Maybe I can get that crazy bastard Jim Mora Sr. to come out of retirement. That guy always cracks me up."

Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech

Millen's Take: "Now I know all you funny assholes would think that I would jump at this guy because he's a receiver. Well you guys are stupid jackasses who just sit in your mom's basement writing things in your underwear and you just don't know anything about football. Do I like to draft wide receivers? Absolutely. Do I like to draft good wide receivers? Hell no. No way I take Calvin Johnson. Not only is he freaky good but he's also a pretty good guy and when I'm looking for a franchise wide receiver I'm looking for an arrogant douchebag, not some guy who goes and works in impoverished countries in his spare time."

Gaines Adams, DL, Clemson

Millen's Take: "Marinelli is all over me to take this kid. He keeps rambling on about "getting better" and that "defense wins championships." I'm sorry but I blew last year's gimme Matt Leinart pick to take some defensive guy named Edward or Ernie or something. You think I'm doing that shit two years in a row? The NFL Draft isn't about taking players to make your team better, it's about making an impact by taking players that are sexy. You know how many people have talked about last year's first round pick? No one that's who, but think about two years ago when I took that asshole Mike Williams. BIG time press. That's an impact folks."

Millen's Final Analysis: "In the end you idiots are never going to know what exactly I'm going to do. I'm batshit crazy folks. Not only do I know more about football than anyone else I also have the balls to go out on a limb where pussies like Scott Pioli and AJ Smith don't. You should all be thanking me for making your little draft that much more exciting each year. Now if you'll excuse me I have another shitty free agent to sign. Fuck off."

*obvious satire but anyone with half a brain probably already knew this

Lions Continue Quest to Sign Every Rams Receiver

At least he knows how to get tackled

Apparently the Lions, dead set on acquiring every Rams player possible, have signed receiver Shaun McDonald to a two year deal. This does not mean they aren't still trying to get Rams receiver Kevin Curtis as well, as they are said to still be hot on his trail. If they do manage to sign Curtis that would mean that three of the four starting receivers for the Lions would be former Rams. I guess the question I have is, what happens when Mike Martz leaves?

You have to think it's only a matter of time before Martz gets another head coaching position, especially if the Lions offense plays well. He got a bunch of interviews this offseason and another year could bring more and more. I understand that the Lions are trying to bring in receivers who know Martz's system, but are we going to keep this system in place when he eventually leaves? What happens when a new offensive coordinator comes in and the talent at receiver doesn't match the system he runs? And why the hell are we not looking at Calvin Johnson?

I think that last question is the one that perplexes me the most. During the offseason the Lions have filled needs at defensive end, offensive tackle, and running back. This means, generally speaking, that they probably won't be looking that way when it comes to the number two pick in the draft (though trading down and drafting defensive end Gaines Adams from Clemson seems like a possibility). So what I don't understand is why not take a guy like Johnson there if you still need help at wide receiver? The kid is a FREAK! He's tall, he's fast, and he's even got his head on straight. Hell, he even played with a horrible quarterback in college so he'll fit right in with the Lions.

I understand that Matt Millen is afraid to draft another receiver as the public relations fall out will be pretty big. Message boards will light up with, "ANoTHER REcIEvER? WTF?!? MILLEN IS THE SUXORS~!" and newspaper columnists (Drew Sharp I'm looking your way) will call for his head, but to that I ask, what else is new? Should the public backlash that would follow drafting another receiver really be enough to scare the Lions away from what could be a superstar player? When teams start worrying about fan reaction to moves, that's when things go wrong.

I for one say the Lions forget Kevin Curtis and just draft Calvin Johnson. For the long term future of the Lions it's probably the best move because Martz isn't going to be here forever and Johnson has superstar written all over him.

Matt Millen Stays with Lions, and Earth Also Confirmed to be Round

Moments like these remind me why I love the Lions....or not

I know this happened a few days ago, but since I was in a Rose Bowl induced coma I failed to register my comments. In the biggest surprise (read: not) of the offseason the Lions announced that Matt Millen is coming back next year. Anybody who really knows the Lions knew this was going to happen before the season even started. William Clay Ford Sr is a senile old man who likes his TV black and white and doesn't adapt to change well. When he hires somebody he hires them for the long haul. Remember, this is the guy who kept Wayne Fontes all those years...

The winningest coach in Lions history....no joke

Millen has shown that he's probably the worst front office leader this side of Isiah Thomas, but that doesn't matter to Ford. Millen is loyal and fiery and that's what Willie likes. What I love is that Millen refuses to quit saying that he's not a quitter. Well no one likes a quitter, but I believe in this case Detroit fans would make an exception.

So now we're left with at least another season of Millen running the show (and unless Ford dies and Jr. takes over I'm guessing 2008 is in the bag for Millen as well) and I'm just going to try and enjoy the ride. With the Lions holding the second pick in the draft, there's no telling what crazy shit Millen can come up with. I will say that it will get a little tiring watching Sean Salisbury make the "Lions looking at receiver" joke about 9,757 times between now and draft day (that guy runs a line into the freaking ground....don't even get me started) but all in all it should at least be an interesting offseason.

It'll probably go something like this, the Lions will draft a sexy offensive player (they always do) that looks good on paper. They sign a couple of "character" guys as free agents from good teams but may be a little old or were never really exposed because they were playing on a good team (Damien Woody type) and the fans will slowly get excited about the season. During training camp you'll hear that the Lions "attitude" has changed and that they might be ready to win. The "experts" will make their predictions about how the Lions could be 8-8 or 9-7 and in a shitty NFC that could be good enough for the playoffs.....and everyone will have a small sense of optimism....and then....the season starts and they go 5-11 and fans are planning shitty protests that don't go anywhere and we're back at this point with Millen saying he's back for 2008 saying that they are going to get things right. There you go...the 2007 Lions season even before it starts....ugh....

Well at least the Tigers should be good....

NFL Draft Suicide Watch

Don't look him directly in the eye....

With the Lions making their march to the number one overall pick in the draft, basically a loss this week pretty much seals it, I figure it's time to check to see which members of college football's elite may find their careers ruined by Matt Millen and the Detroit Lions. So without further ado....

Jeff Samardzija

WR/P, Notre Dame/Chicago Cubs

What Jeff will be doing if he gets drafted by the Lions

This pick fits all the Millen standards. Wide Receiver? Check. Major University? Check. High probability of turning out horribly? Check. I can totally envision a scenario where the Lions take Samardzija and then having him give the organization the middle finger by going and pitching for the Cubs. This would be a dream scenario for anyone who really hates Matt Millen. I do think Millen is stupid enough not to check if the kid wants to play baseball, but I don't know if this pick is "sexy" enough for the big man.

Odds On Lions Killing Career: 15-1

Joe Thomas

OT, Wisconsin

This is what Joe will look like as a Detroit Lion....

This is probably a pick that would fill a need the Lions desperately have to fix. Their offensive line is HORRIBLE and they haven't been able to fix it in free agency over the years so one would assume that this would be a great place to start rebuilding the team. That's probably why I can't see Millen going for this. It makes too much sense. Matt Millen...fill a need? Fuck that. He's going for the "best available talent" no matter what position he plays. THAT'S the mentality that lets a team actually pick three straight wide receivers in the first round and turns the franchise into a running joke, but then again if not for Matt Millen this might be a happy blog and you may never even read this. Joe should thank his lucky stars Millen's an idiot because his career will be given a chance to flourish in a place like Arizona...wait that's not good either....God speed Joe....

Odds on Lions Killing Career: 10-1

Calvin Johnson

WR, Georgia Tech

Uh yeah....don't get used to scoring touchdowns Calvin....

What would a Lions draft preview be without TWO wide receivers? Johnson has better "measurables" then Samardzija which means he would probably the sexier pick. He also has the added bonus of already having played with a terrible quarterback in college so the jump to the shit the Lions put behind center really won't be much of an adjustment. Never have I seen a prospect who is so good at looking frustrated at his QB's under thrown interceptions or catching a ball that was thrown to his knee. He may be the perfect receiver for the Lions, and with Mike Williams fat ass about to be shipped out of town it may be a good time to restock the receiver closet Matt. Mike Furrey can't do it alone you know.....

Odds on Lions Killing Career: 5-1

Adrian Peterson

RB, Oklahoma

Get used to breaking tackles. Offensive line? Never heard of it....

With Kevin Jones foot being declared MIA for the foreseeable future, the Lions may be looking Adrian's way to fill the big shoes that are still left from Barry Sanders. He definitely fits the bill for a Lions running back. Great talent but an injury waiting to happen. Sounds like Billy Simms and Kevin Jones alright. Perfect! The only thing holding Millen back on pulling the trigger on this one is that he might actually be good. Can't have that. You don't get four year contract extensions for putting a good team on the field. Nope, there is a sexier pick out there for Millen to snatch up....

Odds of Lions Killing Career: 3-1

Brady Quinn

QB, Notre Dame

Just change the uniform and this is what Brady will look like in Lions colors...

Let me list a few names for you okay? It won't take too long but I think it will prove my point...

• Chuck Long
• Andre Ware
• Joey Harrington

These are the last three quarterbacks the Lions have taken in the first round. Great track record huh? Are you as excited about Brady Quinn as I am now!!! I can't wait to watch this guy shit the bed on Sundays like he did on Saturdays against good competition. I will say I've never seen a QB light up the Service Academies like young Brady did. Plus did you see how he tore up Stanford? AWESOME! Plus he lead that comeback over our little friends from East Lansing too! He's GREAT! DRAFT HIM NUMBER ONE! HE CAN'T MISS! What's that you're saying? He played Michigan and USC this season? BUT HAVE YOU SEEN HOW TALL HE IS?!?! AND THAT ARM STRENGTH?!?! AND HE'S DREAMY! I fully expect that the first pick EVER announced by Roger Goodell will be Brady Quinn going to the Detroit Lions. In a related story Brady Quinn has been put on suicide watch and the Lions have ordered extra oats for Brady's sister...

She's currently training for the Kentucky Derby....

So Brady I really only have one thing to say to prepare you for your "career" here in Detroit. Run. Run as fast as you can!

Odds of Lions Killing Career: 1-2 (Sorry Brady....)

Holiday Weekend Rewind

Fuck Northwest...they are TERRIBLE!!!

So now that I'm back after the weekend back home in Michigan, I figure it's time to a quick recap of what went down over the long holiday weekend. First though a small diatribe about my journey home.

Fuck Northwest. I would recommend you avoid this airline at all cost. I do a good bit of traveling and I've NEVER sat in a plane with the door shut and ready to go for so damn long. Last night, for example, I got on the plane at 10:25 (for a flight that was already delayed for an hour mind you) and the door was shut at 10:35, which was on-time for our new departure time. Do you want to know what time we actually started to taxi to the runway? 11:25....that's right....50 minutes sitting in the plane. Why? Because they were still loading baggage. Um, what? Why is it that every other airline on the planet can run an efficient business but Northwest has their heads up their ass? On the way in I waited 30 minutes before we taxied.....brutal. I'm never flying this shitty airline again and I would advise anyone else to avoid it at all costs as well.

Sorry about going all "Peter King" on you by going through my travel exploits, but I really don't want anybody to fly Northwest. It's my new personal mission....

With that out of the way let's move to the weekend's happenings....

Saturday

UCLA might have a future in this whole basketball thing....

#1 UCLA 92, Michigan 55

Don't know how many of you actually watched this, but it was actually worse then the score shows if that is even possible. Basically this game proved two things to me...UCLA is really good...and Michigan can't hold on to the basketball. Oh and they might be terrible. I can't accurately describe how awful this beating was. I think viewing this again would lead to tragedy not seen since Raiders of the Lost Ark...

"UCLA with ANOTHER steal..."

Sunday

A HAPPY Lions fan? Matt Millen says, "Merry Fucking Christmas, Douchebag!"

Bears 26, Lions 21

Was anybody really surprised when Mike Williams dropped the winning touchdown in the end zone? It was pretty much the perfect storm for Lions fans. You come in all pist off because the team is shitty and plan on booing them till your voice is sore, but they put up a fight against the "Best Team in the NFC" so you start to cheer because they are "scrappy" and showing some life, and then...just when you get your hopes up.....BAM! Swift kick right to the nuts. That's right folks these are still the Lions! Not only did the game suck but there wasn't even a half wit fan protest to laugh at. Nobody did anything. Just sad all around, but at least the Lions have the inside track on the number one draft pick. Should make for a great offseason of "Matt Millen is on the clock...think he's going receiver?" jokes, and in a way I think we are all winners for that.

So that pretty much covers the two big weekend games. A great weekend to be a Detroit sports fan.....if only the Red Wings still played.....what? They do? Really?

Lions Aren't Just Horrible at Football, Fans Also Suck at Protesting....

Those signs are so cute...almost makes me want to give a damn

So as you've probably heard, today was the big day for Lions fans as the whole "Fire Millen" movement was supposed to hit it's crescendo when, at the 8 minute mark of the 2nd quarter, all the Lions fans were going to walk out and "show the Lions." Well lord knows I am always one to watch a bunch of idiots try to affect change by planning something stupid (like walking out on a game you already paid for...way to damn the man!) so I went to the game, and here's what happened....

I sit in my normal seat (my family has season tickets...yeah...we're dumb) and immediately notice that the majority of the crowd seems to be Bears fans, in fact when the Bears were introduced the crowd roared more then booed, which told the story right there. I haven't seen this much orange on grown men in a long time.

As always the dregs of our society decided to do their best to make some signs to mark this occasion and also to show off their wit and hilarity to the world. Two stuck out in particular to me....A Bears fan who was sitting about three rows in front of me stood up and showed of his sign that said,

"Bears Fans Say....KEEP MILLEN!"

ZING~! Wow, now that is quite a funny sign. I mean normally people bring "FIRE MILLEN" signs, but this guy goes and turns it completely upside down and makes it "KEEP MILLEN!" You know because he's a Bears fan and all....and Millen sucks so he wants him to stay....get it? I'll hold for your laughter......done? Now let me move on to another winning member of society. This guy was sitting about four rows in front of our witty Bears fan and he was so proud of his sign that he stood up a total of FIVE separate times and made the full 360 with his wonderful sign that he spent all night making on his MS Word program. Want to know what it said? Here you go....

"All I want for Christmas is for the Lions to FIRE MILLEN!"

GET IT?!?! It's Christmas Eve.....the jackass was wearing a blue button down shirt as well which means that not only is he an idiot who thinks he's WAY funnier then he is, he's also a bit pretentious by going to a Lions game in a dress shirt. He also was really starving for the attention as he really wanted people to laugh at his sign. I had to fight my urge to throw something sharp at him every time he stood up with a shit eating grin on his face that said, "Man am I so funny for this great sign. LOOK AT IT!! IT'S SO FUNNY! IT VALIDATES MY EXISTENCE AS A HUMAN! AND LOOK, I'M WEARING A BUTTON DOWN SHIRT AT A SPORTS GAME! I'M JUST THAT IMPORTANT!" Maybe he was trying to give the impression that he was a rich business jackass with that shirt but I think the upper deck seating showed what kind of poser this jerk was....makes me sad to be a Lions fan (among the many other reasons)

So at the beginning of the game it was a pretty hostile crowd. They were pretty much booing the Lions for everything they did....and then a funny thing happened. The Bears fans were such jackasses about standing up and cheering loudly that the Lions fans got pist and started actually cheering for the Lions again. Apparently nothing galvanizes a crowd on Xmas Eve like hatred for your fellow drunken fan.

I then sat and watched the horror as the worst 13-2 team in the history of the NFL went toe to toe with the worst team in the NFL and as time slowly ticked towards the big moment I was saddened by the fact that I was at an NFL game but more interested in seeing if a bunch of morons were going to leave their seat at a completely arbitrary time to show a few people, who really could give a damn, that they are "fed up."

Well not only did the 8 minute mark come but the clock was even STOPPED on a change of possession at 7:59! What serendipity! So I looked around my section and around the stadium (you get a great view from the upper deck) and.....NOBODY FREAKING LEFT!!! Maybe...MAYBE 20 or 30 people actually got up and left but you couldn't even tell. So there you have it, all this talk for the past two weeks about this grand protest that was going to really show the Fords that Lions fans have had enough and then....nothing....

Now I was on record as saying this was a stupid idea in the first place as the tickets were already paid for so all you're really doing is depriving yourself of what you paid for, not the Lions, but if you're going to talk so much shit about doing it you had better follow through. This was ALL OVER the papers and sports talk radio for the past two weeks, and now we Lions fans look like a bunch of bitches. I'm sure Matt Millen was sitting up in his suite calling us a bunch of pussies. Fantastic. Then to top it all off the Lions decide to actually try and blow the number one draft pick by actually winning this game....until Mike Williams dropped the winning touchdown pass in the endzone with no time on the clock. Fucking Lions....days like this make me wish Michigan would just play on Sundays too....ugh.....

From the Office of Matt Millen

I am such a fucking badass ....

Dear Detroit Lions fans,

I don't like you and you don't like me. The only reason I'm coming down from my suite (you know, the one where they show me watching every game on TV...I look AWESOME!) to address you idiots is because I hear you guys are organizing another "protest" so that I'll get fired. Apparently you idiots are planning on leaving the game with 8 minutes to go in the second quarter, just like last year when you did the "Millen Man March" (cute by the way) where about 20 people showed up. To that I say this...Fuck you. I'm Matt Fucking Millen. Do you really think I care what a bunch of you idiots decide to do? I mean where are your testicles? If you really wanted to impress me at least riot a bit and burn some cars. I mean your money is already in my pockets and you think leaving the game is going to make a difference? I've got an entire medicine cabinet full of Mr. Ford's pills and I'm not giving them back till I get ANOTHER contract extension.

I don't know if you're aware because you fans are so damn stupid but I played for the Oakland Raiders and since taking over the Lions I've modeled our franchise after them. You see the results I'm getting? Right now we're JUST AS GOOD as the Raiders, and we've been BETTER the last two years! That's what I call progress Lions fans, progress you won't see the pussy media writing about. All the media can do is cry and whine about how we're 23-71 and how I'm a terrible judge of talent instead of going out on a limb and writing about all the progress I'm making. I make things more exciting around here. Before I rolled into town all people could bitch about was the coach and how the Fords are ruining the team. Now you've got me. You can all make your little "Fire Millen" signs (those were fucking funny by the way...my daughter put one on my Christmas tree and after I blacked out I laughed all the way to the hospital) and organize shitty protests that only a few idiots ever do. I keep you busy.

I also make the season last even longer by making sure we have a prime spot in the NFL Draft, and since I'm so batshit crazy you never know what I'm going to do. This year I've even outdone myself. We're in line for the number one pick in the whole draft! How's that Lions fans? You can argue all winter about whether I should take Brady Quinn or Adrian Peterson and then on draft day I'll fuck you all and take Jeff Samardzija (Calvin Johnson you say? He's too good...) and why do I do this? To keep things interesting! I'm a fucking genius!

So in the end Lion fans go ahead and do your little pussy protest. Stage your little "walk out" this Sunday. I'll be the guy giving you all the middle finger up in my nice suite and then maybe I'll head to the bank and cash another of Mr. Ford's checks. In the end I'll be the one laughing as all you pussies sit and take it for another year. Enjoy the offseason (I've got some more crazy shit up my sleeve.....)

Fuck You.

Matt Millen*
President of Football Operations
Detroit Lions

* not really Matt Millen, but if you believed this then you should make yourself sterile for the good of mankind