Apparently the Lions are Good

I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do now...

It's been seven years (!) since the last time the Lions were three games above .500. Seven years. In that time Matt Millen was brought in and turned this team into the laughingstock of the NFL. Multiple wide receivers were drafted, horrible quarterbacks were brought in and a lot of losing occured. Normally at this time of year the Lions' season is already over and I'm looking for the team to sandbag for a high draft pick. Now all of a sudden the Lions are apparently a good team again, and I don't really know how I'm supposed to react.

Part of me wants to be excited that there is a good football team to root for again. The other part of me is waiting for the shoe to drop and the bottom to fall out. I think I'm going to go with tepid enthusiasm. Before the season I thought this team would go 9-7 (though I had them at 4-3 at this point) and I'm not going to change that. Yesterday's win showed that the Lions can beat a bad team (and don't kid yourselves, the Bears are a BAD team) on the road when they needed a big win. That is something that the Lions of yore haven't been able to do. They had a solid run game and didn't turn the ball over. A great overall effort. Are the Lions going to the Super Bowl? No. But if they don't make the playoffs I'll be very disappointed at this point.

So while I'm not ready to start planning the parade down Woodward, I am ready to get excited about this football team taking the next step and getting to the playoffs. It's much nicer than looking ahead to the draft after week 8. GO LIONS!

What....the....Hell.....

I don't even have the words.....

After my long night of live blogging the NBA Draft, I've been thinking about different things I could spend my time writing about. The NBA offseason? The Tigers baseball season? The Detroit Shock? Wait, scratch that last one. But then I found something that needed my immediate attention.

In the video shown above this Lions fan goes on a delusional rant about the greatness of the Lions and how they are going to dominate the NFL this season. The sad part is I really think this guy is serious. As a life long fan of the Lions I've learned that the offseason generally goes through a certain cycle...

1. Lions end shitty season
2. Lions have high draft pick and debate rages over who they pick
3. Lions use high draft pick on offensive player (usually receiver) to get fans excited
4. I start to think that "maybe this season they could win 8 or 9 games" you never know...
5. The Lions kick us all in the balls with another shitty season
6. Rinse and repeat

This guy has taken step four's optimism to a very scary level. The sad part is he proves that he's somewhat of an idiot because even when he's ranting about how great the Lions are he screws up multiple times with some of the more simple points he's trying to make. Here are some of the highlights.....

"Jon Kitna is a touchdown assassin."

Okay, this statement is over the top and in that way sounds pretty stupid. What makes it REALLY stupid is the next sentence.

"He will throw his spirals of absolute vigor and absolute destruction into the
hands of (pause) Mike Williams."

Well there goes what little credibility you have. What kind of crazy Lions fan mistakes Roy Williams and Mike Williams? He corrects himself saying it was a "bad memory seeping in," but for future reference let me give you a handy way to tell them apart.

Roy Williams = Good

Mike Williams = HORRIBLE

Wasn't that easy? I mean for a guy who's such a big Lions fan you'd think this wouldn't be a problem, but not this guy. Let's keep going....

"The Lions are no longer a laughing stock, they are prime stock. If the
Lions were a stock they'd be so expensive that no one could buy them."

Seriously. This is what the guy says. ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?!?! I would say it's funny, but in all honesty it just makes us Lions fans look pathetic and stupid. It just gets worse though. He calls Lions owner William Clay Ford, "HENRY Clay Ford." Again...big Lions fan we're dealing with here. But the greatest part is at the end when he's trying to make up a new meaning for NFL....

"The L in NFL stands for Lions. The N stands for (long pause) Not
Gonna....something the Lions I'll think about that later and put it in another
video."

Way to bring your A game asshole. I believe the version of NFL that you were looking for was "No Fucking Life." Seriously dude if you're really this crazy Lions fan you claim to be on your video why don't you get your act together. Write a script, practice it out, do multiple takes. All you're doing is making us all look like idiots when you post something like this. So from the rest of us Lions fans here's a plea to you. Shut the hell up.

I'm Back Baby! WOOOO!!!

Had to use the Terminator pic here...

It's been awhile since I last posted, and now that other things in the "real world" have sorted themselves out, it's time to get back to what I do best....and that's make sarcastic comments about sports! To honor this great occasion I've decided to just do some random shots at various sports stuff that's been happening lately, so forgive me a bit if I jump around from topic to topic.

Michael Vick Hates Animal Rights

>

Vick shows his opinion for PETA

What the hell is going on with Michael Vick? First he gets popped for that water bottle that may or may not have contained marijuana, and now he's being investigated by the Feds for running a huge dog fighting operation at the house he let's his cousin stay at. I'm sure the Falcons are real excited they traded Matt Schaub right about now. Hopefully for Vick's case the Prosecutors adopt Clinton Portis' "whatever you do in your own house is your own business," stance and this whole thing blows over. By the way, I don't think I ever really want to go to Clinton's house, I'm starting to imagine it's a lawless wasteland like Thunderdome in Mad Max.

Pistons Get Bounced by the Cavs

Seeing the Cavs stink up the Finals makes me sick to my stomach

Um...what the hell happened to the Pistons? They rolled off seven straight wins to start the playoffs and then basically went in the tank. The last solid game they played this postseason was Game Two against the Bulls. Ever since that ass beating they laid on Chicago they seemed to be playing in cruise control. It worked for two more wins against the Bulls and two close wins in Games One and Two against Cleveland, but once LeBron got rolling that was it for the Pistons. Everyone's been over and over how the series ended and we've all gotten to listen to various announcers give LeBron the biggest suck off this side of the one John Madden bestows on Brett Favre...so let's take a look at the future of the Pistons

• CHAUNCEY BILLUPS: How do you pay this guy max money after the last two flame outs in the post season? Chauncey has struggled in the last two Eastern Finals and he's expecting to get max money for six years?!? I like Chauncey, but I think "Mr. Big Shot" (and really, how many big shots has he actually made during the last two playoffs? I'm willing to bet he's missed more than he's made) isn't worth that kind of commitment. This team needs a radical change and I think a sign and trade with Chauncey may be the best bet to get some quality assets in return.
• RASHEED WALLACE: Let's forget how Rasheed basically went nuts at the end of game six and effectively cost the Pistons any chance at a comeback, and let's look at one basic question. Can Rasheed and Flip coexist another year? I honestly think the answer to that is an emphatic no. We all knew this day would come when the Pistons traded for Sheed in 2004. He's a great player for stretches, and is pretty unstoppable when he has his turnaround jumper going, but I think his time in Detroit has come to an end. Trading Sheed isn't going to be easy though. He has a contract worth $12 million and character issues to boot. I would say that the obvious solution would be to trade him to Portland for Zach Randolph (who would provide the Pistons with a good low post scorer/rebounder) but there's no way the Blazers are taking Sheed back....right?
• CHRIS WEBBER: I swear to God they had better not resign this piece of shit. My disdain for C-Webb has been well chronicled, but even the biggest C-Webb supporters would be hard pressed to argue that he didn't look terrible in the playoffs. I honestly think I can out jump him at this point, and that's saying a lot because I have a pretty small vertical leap. If Joe D resigns Webber, I may not go to a game next season in protest. LET HIS SORRY ASS GO!!!
• THE REST: I think the Pistons should resign McDyess, let Lindsey retire, and resign Amir Johnson. Beyond that they need to draft a point guard (I'll cover more of the NBA Draft stuff in a future post) and probably another big with their first round picks (if they don't trade them away in some sort of blockbuster deal though).

In the end the Pistons need to make some changes. This team has flamed out two straight years in the conference finals and I don't see how a team that's just getting older will do any better if they don't break up the starting five. If they keep this team together for another year we could be risking going into a long funk like what happened after the Bad Boys stayed together a bit too long. I for one don't want to go through that crap again.

Well that's it for now. I'm going to do a full post on the Tigers' Bullpens attempt at murdering me sometime tomorrow. Until then...peace out y'all!

God Smiles Upon College Football!

Pop the champagne everyone! Our nightmare is over!

I have only two words I can say right now, THANK GOD! In today's Miami Herald (scroll down to the second item in the story) they report that Joe Theismann has turned down ESPN's offer to be an analyst on college football. Apparently all of our collective prayers have been answered. WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY!

Not on that but it also reports that apparently Theismann is being banished to the land of wind and ghosts that is ESPN Radio, with perhaps a spot here and there on some ESPN NFL programming. So in the end we all get what we wanted and that's no Joe Theismann on any game broadcast this year! I don't even know how to celebrate adequately. For now I'll just settle for a celebratory WOOOOO!!!!! NO JOE THEISMANN!!!!!!!

A Plea to Joe Theismann

Oh, dear God no....

As I'm sure you're already keenly aware of, it was announced this week that Joe Theismann will be replaced on Monday Night Football by Ron Jaworski next season. This was met with a collective roar of approval from pretty much everyone who enjoys watching football on Monday Nights, including yours truly. Then came the news that made my heart sink...

"Norby Williamson, ESPN's executive vice president for studio and remote production, said Monday that ESPN had great respect for Theismann as an analyst and would offer him another job."

You know what that "other job" is? Well according to Theismann it's the analyst job on Saturday Night College Football. To that I say, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Currently Theismann is weighing his options before making a decision. Here is a quote from him about the entire situation that pretty much sums up why he'd be horrible on college football.

"I've been an NFL guy since 1974, so for 33 years now that's been my life," Theismann said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. "Now you are faced with the prospect of that not being in your future. It would be like training to be a doctor or a lawyer and having them say, 'we would like you to change to another profession.' I need some time to think about it."

Okay. First of all why the hell are you comparing yourself to a doctor or lawyer, Joe? You talk about football for a living. Is there some specialized training required for this, and if so, then how the hell did Michael Irvin get a job? And how is this changing a profession? Is talking about football different when it's pro and college? I know that white stripe on the football can be tricky and scary but I think you'd be able to manage. Apparently Joe forgot he played college football (you changed your name to rhyme with "Heisman" remember? Savy marketing at the Golden Dome).

You can obviously see that Theismann's heart isn't going to be in this, so why offer him the job? How can you replace Kirk Herbstreit and, um, Bob Davie (I guess) with a guy who obviously doesn't want to be analyzing college football? Let's not forget that Theismann has always been a horrible analyst anyway, but it's going to be worse when he's covering a sport that he's not as interested in. For those of us who care about college football (in my case, more so than the NFL) this would be a horrible move. I really enjoyed the Saturday Night Football package last year (though I could do with less Notre Dame thanks) and this would just make me cringe. We already have to deal with freaking Paul McGuire doing college football, please don't force Joe Theismann down our throats too! I suppose the only true justice would be taking both of them and throwing them with Pam Ward on Tuesday night MAC games. I'd be okay with that.

I'm down to one last resort, so I'm addressing the end of this to Joe Theismann himself. You don't want to take this job, Joe. You're an NFL guy, you should stick to the sport you are already terrible at instead of branching out and tainting the broadcast of another sport. Please, for the good of everyone, DON'T DO COLLEGE FOOTBALL! PLEASE! A nation of college football fans await your response.

Matt Millen's NFL Draft Tomfoolery (tm)

I'm a fucking genius. BOW AND KNEEL BEFORE MILLEN!

Well the NFL Draft is fast approaching, which is what we Lions fans like to call "Our Super Bowl," so what better time to check in and see what our fearless leader Matt Millen* has to think about some of the top prospects whose careers could be wasted in the Honolulu Blue and Silver.

Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame

Millen's Take: "Well this kid is a little pretty, you know? I like that. You know Joey Harrington was like a son to me, and he was a kind pretty too. I know I'm a badass former NFL linebacker but I have a soft spot in my heart for the cute guys. He really is shitty in big games which is fine for us because we don't play any big games anyway. Can't really deal with a pass rush, but he'll get better at it from all the practice he'd have here in Detroit. I think getting smashed to bits builds character which is why I've decided not to upgrade the offensive line since I've been here. Makes the game more interesting. Also Brady doesn't help our team immediately which is great because they I can tell Mr. Ford to give me more time since he needs that to develop. Should get me another contract extension. SCORE!"

Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin

Millen's Take: "This is a big fucking kid. He may have even had a chance to block me if he had any testicles. He went to Wisconsin where he probably just sat around in the snow eating cheese and having sex with overweight women in Brett Favre jerseys. I fucking hate the Packers. Why can't we beat them? If I were still young and playing at Penn State I would have beat the shit out of this kid. He may have quick feet but I'm MATT MILLEN. You don't block Matt Millen if you are from some pussy school like Wisconsin. I also don't even need this kid. I traded for some guy from Denver who can fuck up pass blocking better then any offensive tackle I've seen in awhile so I wouldn't want to risk drafting someone who may play the position well. I have a reputation to protect."

Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma

Millen's Take: "Now here's a kid who's got it all. He's got an injury history like Chuck Rogers, which puts him near the top of my list. Our doctors already have a lot of experience dealing with broken collarbones so we wouldn't have to learn anything new to deal with AP. We also have a loaded depth chart at running back, which means at the press conference I can say, "Well I was looking at the board and I took the best athlete available," which always makes me sound so fucking smart. Problem is I got Marinelli over here telling me he doesn't need this kid. You know what? Fuck need! Maybe I'll fire Marinelli and get some other coach whose last name starts with M. Maybe I can get that crazy bastard Jim Mora Sr. to come out of retirement. That guy always cracks me up."

Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech

Millen's Take: "Now I know all you funny assholes would think that I would jump at this guy because he's a receiver. Well you guys are stupid jackasses who just sit in your mom's basement writing things in your underwear and you just don't know anything about football. Do I like to draft wide receivers? Absolutely. Do I like to draft good wide receivers? Hell no. No way I take Calvin Johnson. Not only is he freaky good but he's also a pretty good guy and when I'm looking for a franchise wide receiver I'm looking for an arrogant douchebag, not some guy who goes and works in impoverished countries in his spare time."

Gaines Adams, DL, Clemson

Millen's Take: "Marinelli is all over me to take this kid. He keeps rambling on about "getting better" and that "defense wins championships." I'm sorry but I blew last year's gimme Matt Leinart pick to take some defensive guy named Edward or Ernie or something. You think I'm doing that shit two years in a row? The NFL Draft isn't about taking players to make your team better, it's about making an impact by taking players that are sexy. You know how many people have talked about last year's first round pick? No one that's who, but think about two years ago when I took that asshole Mike Williams. BIG time press. That's an impact folks."

Millen's Final Analysis: "In the end you idiots are never going to know what exactly I'm going to do. I'm batshit crazy folks. Not only do I know more about football than anyone else I also have the balls to go out on a limb where pussies like Scott Pioli and AJ Smith don't. You should all be thanking me for making your little draft that much more exciting each year. Now if you'll excuse me I have another shitty free agent to sign. Fuck off."

*obvious satire but anyone with half a brain probably already knew this

Lions Continue Quest to Sign Every Rams Receiver

At least he knows how to get tackled

Apparently the Lions, dead set on acquiring every Rams player possible, have signed receiver Shaun McDonald to a two year deal. This does not mean they aren't still trying to get Rams receiver Kevin Curtis as well, as they are said to still be hot on his trail. If they do manage to sign Curtis that would mean that three of the four starting receivers for the Lions would be former Rams. I guess the question I have is, what happens when Mike Martz leaves?

You have to think it's only a matter of time before Martz gets another head coaching position, especially if the Lions offense plays well. He got a bunch of interviews this offseason and another year could bring more and more. I understand that the Lions are trying to bring in receivers who know Martz's system, but are we going to keep this system in place when he eventually leaves? What happens when a new offensive coordinator comes in and the talent at receiver doesn't match the system he runs? And why the hell are we not looking at Calvin Johnson?

I think that last question is the one that perplexes me the most. During the offseason the Lions have filled needs at defensive end, offensive tackle, and running back. This means, generally speaking, that they probably won't be looking that way when it comes to the number two pick in the draft (though trading down and drafting defensive end Gaines Adams from Clemson seems like a possibility). So what I don't understand is why not take a guy like Johnson there if you still need help at wide receiver? The kid is a FREAK! He's tall, he's fast, and he's even got his head on straight. Hell, he even played with a horrible quarterback in college so he'll fit right in with the Lions.

I understand that Matt Millen is afraid to draft another receiver as the public relations fall out will be pretty big. Message boards will light up with, "ANoTHER REcIEvER? WTF?!? MILLEN IS THE SUXORS~!" and newspaper columnists (Drew Sharp I'm looking your way) will call for his head, but to that I ask, what else is new? Should the public backlash that would follow drafting another receiver really be enough to scare the Lions away from what could be a superstar player? When teams start worrying about fan reaction to moves, that's when things go wrong.

I for one say the Lions forget Kevin Curtis and just draft Calvin Johnson. For the long term future of the Lions it's probably the best move because Martz isn't going to be here forever and Johnson has superstar written all over him.

Time to Start the NFL Draft Talk! Lions are Undefeated in 2007!

The next quarterback of the Detroit Lions...great

Let's save all the discussion about what went down last night. It was a terrible game with terrible commercials and unfortunately I can't get that time in my life back. Not only did I dislike both teams in this game but then they had to go and play a horrible game. Probably the worst Super Bowl since the Giants/Ravens debacle. Also some guy named Brett Favre announced that he's coming back for another year. Somewhere John Madden and Tony Kornheiser are sharing a beer and debating how best to give a verbal hand job to Brett next season. Great....

The good news though is that with that pesky Super Bowl out of the way we can officially start the offseason and start talking NFL Draft! What's that you say? The Pro Bowl is next weekend? While some may enjoy watching the best players in the NFL (and Tony Romo) play basically a glorified flag football game, it's really just not for me. The season is over and the offseason starts now damnit. So without further ado here's my first (of many) NFL mock draft, and since it's before the combine I'm only going top 5, after that I'll start to venture to a top 10.

Before I start this let me say that I'm 4 time defending champ of my annual NFL draft pool and have picked the top 15 picks with 98% accuracy over that span. Beyond that I'm about as good as anyone else, which is to say that I'm hit and miss, but over the first 15 I've been lights out. So there you go....

1. Oakland Raiders: JaMarcus Russell, QB LSU

It almost seems like Russell has been built just to please Al Davis. He's a big quarterback with a cannon for an arm that will fit rather well in the "vertical" offense Davis loves. Plus the Raiders currently employ Aaron Brooks and Andrew Walter at the QB position so this is probably an area where they could use some improvement. If you don't want shitty QB play that is. Russell should thrive in Oakland where he could possibly ride Randy Moss to All-Pro status like Daunte Culpepper did in Minnesota.

2. Detroit Lions: Brady Qinn, QB Notre Dame

I'm not excited about this pick at all. First of all did you see the picture I used for this post?!?! Does that inspire you to think he's going to be a great pro quarterback? Didn't think so. Having watched Quinn closely since he plays for Notre Dame and they are always on TV, I'm not sold on him being a great pro QB at all. While he does a great job tearing up the service academies and the Stanfords of the world, he hasn't played well against elite competition at all. He may have beat Michigan two years in a row but it was more due to Michigan miscues than his savvy QB play. Best example I can give of this is when he threw the touchdown pass to Samardzija that was deflected off a Michigan defender's hand. Horrible throw, lucky break. Then this year during his "Heisman" campaign he was exposed by Michigan and USC. Hate to say it but I think the defenses in the NFL are better than Michigan and USC. Quinn tends to get happy feet in the face of a decent pass rush and last I checked the Lions O-line was rather terrible. Brady may need a few more band-aids if he becomes a Lion. Kiper has the Lions taking Thomas here in his first mock draft. I really can't see Matt Millen using this high of a pick on an O-lineman. Plus that seems to be a position of depth in this draft so I'm sure Millen will look to make a splash with this pick and then go O-line in the second round. Quinn fills the "splash" quotient here while making it exceedingly possible that Millen blows another high pick. Looks like a match to me! The Lions making this pick pretty much ruins the draft for me right after it begins....

3*. Cleveland Browns: Alan Branch, DT Michigan

*Number 3 pick is a tie between Cleveland and Tampa TBD by coin flip at end of this month

The coin flip won't affect either pick unless someone trades down or something. Browns need some defense and help up the middle and Branch should help fill that need. After a lackluster Sophomore year, (though the argument could be made that EVERYONE at Michigan had a lackluster year during the...ugh...7-5 2005 campaign...let's not speak of that again shall we?) Branch helped a revitalized Michigan defense rise back to prominence before that slide at the end of the season (another thing I don't want to discuss) and showed the ability to pass rush the QB and stop the run, something Cleveland needs. Michigan defensive players have a pretty good track record in the NFL (two played last night...Cato June and Marlin Jackson) so this should be a pretty good pick up for Cleveland.

3*. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Calvin Johnson, WR Georgia Tech

I really wish Matt Millen had the stones to take Johnson. He is easily the most talented player in this draft and Tampa is going to get a steal at number four. Bear in mind that Johnson was great in college and he had REGGIE BALL throwing to him! Can you imagine how great he would have been if he had a decent QB throwing to him? Tampa's "deep threat" is an ever aging Joey Galloway, and Michael Clayton hasn't delivered on the great rookie campaign of two years ago (just ask my fantasy team...) so getting Johnson here will be a great pick up for the Bucs and will be a nice addition to a team that really wasn't as bad as their record last year.

5. Arizona Cardinals: Joe Thomas, OT Wisconsin

I don't know how I feel about Joe Thomas. On the one hand he dominated his competition this year, but on the other hand Wisconsin didn't play anybody except Michigan, and he was alright in that game. I must admit, Big Ten tackles scare the hell out of me in the NFL. I've been burned by them a couple of times as a Lions fan. Aaron Gibson was supposed to be a big lineman with quick feet out of Wisconsin, but instead turned out to be just a slow fat guy who was a bust from the moment he squeezed into his XXXXXXXL jersey. Jeff Backus was also supposed to be a stud out of Michigan but has been decent at best. The only reason the Lions gave him that big extension is because there aren't that many great tackles out in free agency so you have to hold on to what you have. Pains me to say that about a Michigan player but Backus hasn't panned out like most thought he would. That brings us back to Thomas who is getting the kind of hype Robert Gallery got two years ago out of Iowa, and you can ask the Raiders how well that is panning out. Thomas seems to have the total package of size, agility, and quickness to be able to handle the speed of an NFL outside pass rush, but as always drafting an O-lineman this high is tough. Arizona desperately needs the help though so this is a no brainer pick here. Their O-line is terrible and if their offense is ever going to realize it's potential, that's a problem they need to fix.

There you have it. My first look at the top 5 of the 2007 NFL Draft. We are only a couple of months away from the festivities so let the draft talk begin! WOOOO!!!!

Can We Just Play this Damn Game Already?!?

This pretty much depicts me over the past two weeks....

The wait is almost over folks. The event we've all been waiting for is almost here. Can't you taste it yet? It's right there. We're a little more then 24 hours away from being able to talk about the NFL Draft! What's that you say? There's a game too? Really? They should probably publicize that a bit more or no one's going to know about it.

It's been a rough two weeks. I've managed to make it thus far without watching a second of pre-game analysis therefore allowing me to keep my sanity instead of listening to people like Sean Salisbury wax poetic for two weeks on the same crap. Here's what's amazing about the whole situation. I haven't watched a second of analysis on this game and yet I still feel relatively informed as to how these teams are going to play AND the major storylines going into the game. How was I able to ascertain this knowledge without two weeks of incessant babbling about it? Um, I'm guessing it's from watching 20 weeks of freaking football already! Seriously what have we learned in the past two weeks that we didn't already know? Here are the major storylines going into the Super Bowl, and remember I didn't watch ANY pre-game coverage....

1. Peyton Manning shits the bed in big games: He did it at Tennessee, he's done it with the Colts and now he has a chance to get that monkey off his back so he won't end up being the next Dan Marino. Though someday I'd love to see Peyton arguing with a guy like Trent Dilfer on a pre-game show and every time he mentions something about Super Bowls, Trent flashes his ring in his face. That would be AWESOME!
   
2. Apparently Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith are black: Don't know if you've been made aware of this, but it's kind of a big deal.
3. Tank Johnson is a idiot with lots of weapons: I think Jay Mariotti has probably written about 3,000 columns on this so I think we've got it covered.
   
4. Rex Grossman is a shitty quarterback: Yep, it's really that simple. Dude threw about four good passes in the NFC Title game and yet the Bears won. He could become the worst QB ever to win a Super Bowl.
   

There you go. Four major storylines leading into this Sunday's game. I'm sure these have been beaten into your head over and over and over, but just thought I'd remind you. Are those exciting stories? I totally think this warrants SIX HOURS of pregame. I do think they may need an extra bag of oats to get Shannon Sharpe through the broadcast, and just as a precaution someone should probably check him for Laminitis...don't want another Barbaro on our hands.

To be honest this is probably the least excited I've been for a Super Bowl. On one hand you have the Colts and Peyton Manning (who I intensely dislike) and then you have the Bears and their horrible fans. So either Peyton finally gets his big win which will start an onslaught of announcer love the likes we have never seen, or some of the worst fans in the NFL will get an opportunity to celebrate a championship and then talk about this team for the next 20 freaking years like the last time they won the Super Bowl. Can we just not play this game and start next season right now? Please?

So I suppose you're wondering who I'm taking in this game (or not, either way). Well it's a pretty simple thing to figure out. Peyton can't beat Florida. They pantsed him all of his years in college and he's never really gotten over it. Where did Rex Grossman go to school? Florida. There you go folks. It's pretty simple when you get down to it right? In the biggest ironic twist EVER~! (and that's what we'll be hearing ad nauseum after this game) Rex Grossman will outplay Peyton Manning and win the Super Bowl. Take it to the bank. But if, for some reason, the Colts actually win this game, may God have mercy on us all, because the amount of announcer blustering may reach apocalyptic levels if Peyton wins the big one. Be sure to go out and buy plenty of can food and bottled water. You've been warned.....

Bears 31 Colts 24

Now about that draft....

Avoiding the Noise Day Two: Godsend

Guns don't kill people...Lamar Woodley does...

Today I'm sitting at work and I start to wonder how I'm actually going to make it through these two weeks without watching any sports analysis. How can I do this? I've watched SportsCenter for pretty much every day of my life since I turned 8. Some kids watched Power Rangers and cartoons in the morning but I was up watching SportsCenter (and the Sports Reporters on Sundays...can you believe that shit? I wish I could go back in time and tell a young me how stupid most of those guys sound and not to waste my time) and perhaps a bit of Saved by the Bell....what can I say? I was a sucker for Kelly....but I digress.

So I thought long and hard about what I was going to do to occupy my time and then it hit me. IT'S SENIOR BOWL WEEK!!! That's right folks. It's the start of my second favorite time of year (behind College Football season)....NFL DRAFT TIME! The NFL Network (I know...talk about getting way to close to the enemy) is showing Senior Bowl practice all week and analyzing prospects for the draft. HELL YES! Plus they have the game itself on Saturday! Now I can sit back and start my NFL offseason a whole week early.

I'm pretty big into the NFL draft. It combines College Football and the NFL...two things I love. Plus it's the only time of year a Lions fan can actually feel optimistic...though if we draft that bed wetting Brady Quinn I may jump off my apartment building. Just sayin.

I know what you're thinking here though, "Aren't you going to run into some Super Bowl hype by watching the NFL Network." I know I'm walking on eggshells here. One false move and I'll be hearing Steve Mariucci or Deion Sanders discussing Tony Dungy's new found big game greatness or what Peyton Manning heroically ate for breakfast on the day of the AFC Championship.

So here's my plan. I'm using the awesome power that is my DVR to record the Senior Bowl coverage and therefore I don't actually have to turn on the NFL Network itself, thus aiding in avoiding a potential pratfall. Plus, I can then pause and fast forward anytime a commercial is on (Peyton is in 2 of every 4) and also just in case they decide to talk a little Super Bowl instead of focusing on the Senior Bowl in the broadcast. IT'S A PERFECT SYSTEM!

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go watch my man Lamar Woodley greatly improve his draft status during one on one drills against the future draft bust Joe Thomas. Enjoy your evening!

The End is Near...

Where I'll be spending the next two weeks

That's it. I'm moving to Montana and living in a shack for the next two weeks. Not only do the Colts win but the BEARS TOO?!?! So instead of just being treated to analysis of how best to suck off Peyton Manning, I ALSO get to see the Super Bowl shuffle on a constant loop too!! GREAT! If you thought the coverage of Jerome Bettis was horrible last year (I think he may be from Detroit...don't know if you knew that....) just wait. We're all going to be treated to countless stories on how Peyton finally won a big game....and if that's not enough we'll probably be treated to about 1,000 different Archie Manning interviews too! CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT?!?!

Today I think CBS cut away to the freaking Manning box about 3 or 4 thousand times to see just how the Manning family was reacting to pretty much everything on the field. "And there's an incomplete pass by Manning. Let's see how Archie and Eli are taking it." On a related note, was anybody else struck by how unenthusiastic Eli was after the Colts scored the winning touchdown? He had the same look as when he threw that dumb interception against the Titans. Now THAT was worth my time. Anyway, can you imagine the amount of Manning Family shots CBS is going to use for the Super Bowl?!? Ugh....they will probably even send Lesley Visser up there for an interview and lord knows we don't need to see that.

Plus the announcing fun has already gotten underway. Jim Nantz gave us a little preview of the Super Bowl when he decided to speak in complete hyperbole for the entire last 10 minutes of the game. The last drive was the "most important in Peyton Manning's life" and with 1st and 10 on the Pats 11 those were the "most important eleven yards in Peyton Manning's career" and so on and so forth. It's enough to make me actually want to cheer for the Bears before I remember what that they are from Chicago and the majority of their fans (NOT ALL...save the e-mail) are idiots who actually obsessed this week over which team Ditka was going with.

Well I for one can't take the amount of crap I'm about to hear/see over the next two weeks so it's time to rent out a Unabomber shack and start work on that Flux Capacitor so maybe I can make these two weeks go just that much faster.....

The Pats Need to Win for the Good of Mankind

Let's hope we see a lot of the sad Peyton today...if not may God have mercy on us all

So I've returned from my week long absence on a day where the world as we know it could come to an end. This evening the Indianapolis Colts take on the New England Patriots for the AFC Championship and, for a least one week, I'm joining in with all of New England in the hopes that Peyton Manning goes down in flames yet again.

If you've read any of this blog you are fully aware that I'm a fan (read: prisoner) of the Detroit Lions so you're probably wondering why it is that I have such disgust for Peyton. I'm glad you asked. Well first off as a Michigan fan I still hold a grudge for him taking a shit in the Orange Bowl against Nebraska, thus allowing the Huskers to steal half of the National Championship...but it goes way further then that.

Can you imagine a world where Peyton Manning has actually won a big game? Football commentators have long wanted to gush uncontrollably about Peyton being the greatest QB ever to walk the Earth, but up until now have been stopped by the fact that he tanks it when it means the most. His big game chokes are like a dam and if he were to win this game then the dam would be broken and the flood would come....and you don't want the flood. Can you imagine the two week build up to Peyton finally playing in the Super Bowl? Sean Salisbury is already salivating at the chance go bow at the alter of Peyton.

Now I know what you're saying, "Won't it be the same with Tom Brady/Bill Belichick if the Pats win?" Granted this is not the ideal situation. I wish the Chargers were in this game, but since the only team that stands in Peyton's way is the Patriots then I guess it's going to have to be them. The difference between the Pats and the Colts it that they've been there so many times that there really isn't much more commentators can really say about their greatness....so it won't be quite as insufferable. It will suck a bit...but not as much as it would be if Peyton finally made it.

That and I'm sure if Peyton made it to the Super Bowl he'd get EVEN MORE endorsement deals (if that's even possible). I mean right now he's a goofy looking great QB who chokes whenever the word "Bowl," "Championship," or "Florida" is involved and he's still on one out of every 4 commercials in an NFL Broadcast...just imagine what it would be like if he was a winner too....NOOOO!!!

Plus as an added bonus we'd also be treated to stories on the greatness of Tony Dungy. Never mind the fact that he's supposed to be this defensive guru yet his Colts teams have perpetually sucked at defense (these last two games were smoke and mirrors against a dumbass head coach and a Baltimore offense that still sucks ass) or the fact that in big games he doesn't seem to be able to keep his hands off his neck. Has this guy ever been criticized by NFL analysts? If he has I've never heard it. How does he continually get a free pass? This shit doesn't make sense to me.

So I will be rooting for the Pats because I dislike Peyton and the Colts. Thus far I'm 1-0 in 2007 in rooting for teams just to spite the team they are playing (Florida) so I'm hoping I go 2-0 tonight with the Pats. Please win New England.....I don't know if I want to live in a world with Peyton as a winner....

GO PATS!

Oh...and GO SAINTS too...I really don't want to cheer for New England in the Super Bowl too...

Matt Millen Stays with Lions, and Earth Also Confirmed to be Round

Moments like these remind me why I love the Lions....or not

I know this happened a few days ago, but since I was in a Rose Bowl induced coma I failed to register my comments. In the biggest surprise (read: not) of the offseason the Lions announced that Matt Millen is coming back next year. Anybody who really knows the Lions knew this was going to happen before the season even started. William Clay Ford Sr is a senile old man who likes his TV black and white and doesn't adapt to change well. When he hires somebody he hires them for the long haul. Remember, this is the guy who kept Wayne Fontes all those years...

The winningest coach in Lions history....no joke

Millen has shown that he's probably the worst front office leader this side of Isiah Thomas, but that doesn't matter to Ford. Millen is loyal and fiery and that's what Willie likes. What I love is that Millen refuses to quit saying that he's not a quitter. Well no one likes a quitter, but I believe in this case Detroit fans would make an exception.

So now we're left with at least another season of Millen running the show (and unless Ford dies and Jr. takes over I'm guessing 2008 is in the bag for Millen as well) and I'm just going to try and enjoy the ride. With the Lions holding the second pick in the draft, there's no telling what crazy shit Millen can come up with. I will say that it will get a little tiring watching Sean Salisbury make the "Lions looking at receiver" joke about 9,757 times between now and draft day (that guy runs a line into the freaking ground....don't even get me started) but all in all it should at least be an interesting offseason.

It'll probably go something like this, the Lions will draft a sexy offensive player (they always do) that looks good on paper. They sign a couple of "character" guys as free agents from good teams but may be a little old or were never really exposed because they were playing on a good team (Damien Woody type) and the fans will slowly get excited about the season. During training camp you'll hear that the Lions "attitude" has changed and that they might be ready to win. The "experts" will make their predictions about how the Lions could be 8-8 or 9-7 and in a shitty NFC that could be good enough for the playoffs.....and everyone will have a small sense of optimism....and then....the season starts and they go 5-11 and fans are planning shitty protests that don't go anywhere and we're back at this point with Millen saying he's back for 2008 saying that they are going to get things right. There you go...the 2007 Lions season even before it starts....ugh....

Well at least the Tigers should be good....

Lions Can't Even Lose Right....

As usual the Lions play their best when it hurts them the most...

Well, well, well....in what has now become a yearly tradition, the Lions pulled off a meaningless victory that hurts their draft status on the road in a game they probably should have lost. Last year it was against the Saints (which was also their last road victory until today), and this year it was against the Cowboys. Luckily this year it will only cost the Lions one pick as they are now picking second overall instead of first. Last year it dropped them from number two all the way down to number nine. I'm sure Lions fans are real happy that that meaningless win against the Saints cost the team Reggie Bush or Vince Young....ugh...makes me sick...

As usual the Lions played lights out today (for them) and pulled off a "remarkable" victory. Why can't this team play like this all year? The Lions always play their best when they can fuck up their draft pick. Someone needs to let them know that if they play like this all season they can really screw up their draft pick by making the playoffs or something. Jon Kitna played lights out as well as Roy Williams and Mike Furrey. Mike Williams (!) caught the go ahead touchdown pass and then the Lions defense stopped Tony Romo on the one on fourth and goal to seal the win. Romo then went and cried in the arms of Carrie Underwood so I'm sure he'll be okay. The Cowboys now lose any chance at the division title and will play in Seattle next week. Hope it downpours all over T.O.....you guys should be ashamed that you lost at home to the freaking Lions. ASHAMED!!! Well I guess this means that the Raiders will take Brady Quinn off of our hands....hopefully he won't turn out to be a Hall of Famer and we'll look back on this win as horribly as we look back on last year's over the Saints....Enjoy the New Year!

NFL Draft Suicide Watch

Don't look him directly in the eye....

With the Lions making their march to the number one overall pick in the draft, basically a loss this week pretty much seals it, I figure it's time to check to see which members of college football's elite may find their careers ruined by Matt Millen and the Detroit Lions. So without further ado....

Jeff Samardzija

WR/P, Notre Dame/Chicago Cubs

What Jeff will be doing if he gets drafted by the Lions

This pick fits all the Millen standards. Wide Receiver? Check. Major University? Check. High probability of turning out horribly? Check. I can totally envision a scenario where the Lions take Samardzija and then having him give the organization the middle finger by going and pitching for the Cubs. This would be a dream scenario for anyone who really hates Matt Millen. I do think Millen is stupid enough not to check if the kid wants to play baseball, but I don't know if this pick is "sexy" enough for the big man.

Odds On Lions Killing Career: 15-1

Joe Thomas

OT, Wisconsin

This is what Joe will look like as a Detroit Lion....

This is probably a pick that would fill a need the Lions desperately have to fix. Their offensive line is HORRIBLE and they haven't been able to fix it in free agency over the years so one would assume that this would be a great place to start rebuilding the team. That's probably why I can't see Millen going for this. It makes too much sense. Matt Millen...fill a need? Fuck that. He's going for the "best available talent" no matter what position he plays. THAT'S the mentality that lets a team actually pick three straight wide receivers in the first round and turns the franchise into a running joke, but then again if not for Matt Millen this might be a happy blog and you may never even read this. Joe should thank his lucky stars Millen's an idiot because his career will be given a chance to flourish in a place like Arizona...wait that's not good either....God speed Joe....

Odds on Lions Killing Career: 10-1

Calvin Johnson

WR, Georgia Tech

Uh yeah....don't get used to scoring touchdowns Calvin....

What would a Lions draft preview be without TWO wide receivers? Johnson has better "measurables" then Samardzija which means he would probably the sexier pick. He also has the added bonus of already having played with a terrible quarterback in college so the jump to the shit the Lions put behind center really won't be much of an adjustment. Never have I seen a prospect who is so good at looking frustrated at his QB's under thrown interceptions or catching a ball that was thrown to his knee. He may be the perfect receiver for the Lions, and with Mike Williams fat ass about to be shipped out of town it may be a good time to restock the receiver closet Matt. Mike Furrey can't do it alone you know.....

Odds on Lions Killing Career: 5-1

Adrian Peterson

RB, Oklahoma

Get used to breaking tackles. Offensive line? Never heard of it....

With Kevin Jones foot being declared MIA for the foreseeable future, the Lions may be looking Adrian's way to fill the big shoes that are still left from Barry Sanders. He definitely fits the bill for a Lions running back. Great talent but an injury waiting to happen. Sounds like Billy Simms and Kevin Jones alright. Perfect! The only thing holding Millen back on pulling the trigger on this one is that he might actually be good. Can't have that. You don't get four year contract extensions for putting a good team on the field. Nope, there is a sexier pick out there for Millen to snatch up....

Odds of Lions Killing Career: 3-1

Brady Quinn

QB, Notre Dame

Just change the uniform and this is what Brady will look like in Lions colors...

Let me list a few names for you okay? It won't take too long but I think it will prove my point...

• Chuck Long
• Andre Ware
• Joey Harrington

These are the last three quarterbacks the Lions have taken in the first round. Great track record huh? Are you as excited about Brady Quinn as I am now!!! I can't wait to watch this guy shit the bed on Sundays like he did on Saturdays against good competition. I will say I've never seen a QB light up the Service Academies like young Brady did. Plus did you see how he tore up Stanford? AWESOME! Plus he lead that comeback over our little friends from East Lansing too! He's GREAT! DRAFT HIM NUMBER ONE! HE CAN'T MISS! What's that you're saying? He played Michigan and USC this season? BUT HAVE YOU SEEN HOW TALL HE IS?!?! AND THAT ARM STRENGTH?!?! AND HE'S DREAMY! I fully expect that the first pick EVER announced by Roger Goodell will be Brady Quinn going to the Detroit Lions. In a related story Brady Quinn has been put on suicide watch and the Lions have ordered extra oats for Brady's sister...

She's currently training for the Kentucky Derby....

So Brady I really only have one thing to say to prepare you for your "career" here in Detroit. Run. Run as fast as you can!

Odds of Lions Killing Career: 1-2 (Sorry Brady....)

Holiday Weekend Rewind

Fuck Northwest...they are TERRIBLE!!!

So now that I'm back after the weekend back home in Michigan, I figure it's time to a quick recap of what went down over the long holiday weekend. First though a small diatribe about my journey home.

Fuck Northwest. I would recommend you avoid this airline at all cost. I do a good bit of traveling and I've NEVER sat in a plane with the door shut and ready to go for so damn long. Last night, for example, I got on the plane at 10:25 (for a flight that was already delayed for an hour mind you) and the door was shut at 10:35, which was on-time for our new departure time. Do you want to know what time we actually started to taxi to the runway? 11:25....that's right....50 minutes sitting in the plane. Why? Because they were still loading baggage. Um, what? Why is it that every other airline on the planet can run an efficient business but Northwest has their heads up their ass? On the way in I waited 30 minutes before we taxied.....brutal. I'm never flying this shitty airline again and I would advise anyone else to avoid it at all costs as well.

Sorry about going all "Peter King" on you by going through my travel exploits, but I really don't want anybody to fly Northwest. It's my new personal mission....

With that out of the way let's move to the weekend's happenings....

Saturday

UCLA might have a future in this whole basketball thing....

#1 UCLA 92, Michigan 55

Don't know how many of you actually watched this, but it was actually worse then the score shows if that is even possible. Basically this game proved two things to me...UCLA is really good...and Michigan can't hold on to the basketball. Oh and they might be terrible. I can't accurately describe how awful this beating was. I think viewing this again would lead to tragedy not seen since Raiders of the Lost Ark...

"UCLA with ANOTHER steal..."

Sunday

A HAPPY Lions fan? Matt Millen says, "Merry Fucking Christmas, Douchebag!"

Bears 26, Lions 21

Was anybody really surprised when Mike Williams dropped the winning touchdown in the end zone? It was pretty much the perfect storm for Lions fans. You come in all pist off because the team is shitty and plan on booing them till your voice is sore, but they put up a fight against the "Best Team in the NFC" so you start to cheer because they are "scrappy" and showing some life, and then...just when you get your hopes up.....BAM! Swift kick right to the nuts. That's right folks these are still the Lions! Not only did the game suck but there wasn't even a half wit fan protest to laugh at. Nobody did anything. Just sad all around, but at least the Lions have the inside track on the number one draft pick. Should make for a great offseason of "Matt Millen is on the clock...think he's going receiver?" jokes, and in a way I think we are all winners for that.

So that pretty much covers the two big weekend games. A great weekend to be a Detroit sports fan.....if only the Red Wings still played.....what? They do? Really?

Lions Aren't Just Horrible at Football, Fans Also Suck at Protesting....

Those signs are so cute...almost makes me want to give a damn

So as you've probably heard, today was the big day for Lions fans as the whole "Fire Millen" movement was supposed to hit it's crescendo when, at the 8 minute mark of the 2nd quarter, all the Lions fans were going to walk out and "show the Lions." Well lord knows I am always one to watch a bunch of idiots try to affect change by planning something stupid (like walking out on a game you already paid for...way to damn the man!) so I went to the game, and here's what happened....

I sit in my normal seat (my family has season tickets...yeah...we're dumb) and immediately notice that the majority of the crowd seems to be Bears fans, in fact when the Bears were introduced the crowd roared more then booed, which told the story right there. I haven't seen this much orange on grown men in a long time.

As always the dregs of our society decided to do their best to make some signs to mark this occasion and also to show off their wit and hilarity to the world. Two stuck out in particular to me....A Bears fan who was sitting about three rows in front of me stood up and showed of his sign that said,

"Bears Fans Say....KEEP MILLEN!"

ZING~! Wow, now that is quite a funny sign. I mean normally people bring "FIRE MILLEN" signs, but this guy goes and turns it completely upside down and makes it "KEEP MILLEN!" You know because he's a Bears fan and all....and Millen sucks so he wants him to stay....get it? I'll hold for your laughter......done? Now let me move on to another winning member of society. This guy was sitting about four rows in front of our witty Bears fan and he was so proud of his sign that he stood up a total of FIVE separate times and made the full 360 with his wonderful sign that he spent all night making on his MS Word program. Want to know what it said? Here you go....

"All I want for Christmas is for the Lions to FIRE MILLEN!"

GET IT?!?! It's Christmas Eve.....the jackass was wearing a blue button down shirt as well which means that not only is he an idiot who thinks he's WAY funnier then he is, he's also a bit pretentious by going to a Lions game in a dress shirt. He also was really starving for the attention as he really wanted people to laugh at his sign. I had to fight my urge to throw something sharp at him every time he stood up with a shit eating grin on his face that said, "Man am I so funny for this great sign. LOOK AT IT!! IT'S SO FUNNY! IT VALIDATES MY EXISTENCE AS A HUMAN! AND LOOK, I'M WEARING A BUTTON DOWN SHIRT AT A SPORTS GAME! I'M JUST THAT IMPORTANT!" Maybe he was trying to give the impression that he was a rich business jackass with that shirt but I think the upper deck seating showed what kind of poser this jerk was....makes me sad to be a Lions fan (among the many other reasons)

So at the beginning of the game it was a pretty hostile crowd. They were pretty much booing the Lions for everything they did....and then a funny thing happened. The Bears fans were such jackasses about standing up and cheering loudly that the Lions fans got pist and started actually cheering for the Lions again. Apparently nothing galvanizes a crowd on Xmas Eve like hatred for your fellow drunken fan.

I then sat and watched the horror as the worst 13-2 team in the history of the NFL went toe to toe with the worst team in the NFL and as time slowly ticked towards the big moment I was saddened by the fact that I was at an NFL game but more interested in seeing if a bunch of morons were going to leave their seat at a completely arbitrary time to show a few people, who really could give a damn, that they are "fed up."

Well not only did the 8 minute mark come but the clock was even STOPPED on a change of possession at 7:59! What serendipity! So I looked around my section and around the stadium (you get a great view from the upper deck) and.....NOBODY FREAKING LEFT!!! Maybe...MAYBE 20 or 30 people actually got up and left but you couldn't even tell. So there you have it, all this talk for the past two weeks about this grand protest that was going to really show the Fords that Lions fans have had enough and then....nothing....

Now I was on record as saying this was a stupid idea in the first place as the tickets were already paid for so all you're really doing is depriving yourself of what you paid for, not the Lions, but if you're going to talk so much shit about doing it you had better follow through. This was ALL OVER the papers and sports talk radio for the past two weeks, and now we Lions fans look like a bunch of bitches. I'm sure Matt Millen was sitting up in his suite calling us a bunch of pussies. Fantastic. Then to top it all off the Lions decide to actually try and blow the number one draft pick by actually winning this game....until Mike Williams dropped the winning touchdown pass in the endzone with no time on the clock. Fucking Lions....days like this make me wish Michigan would just play on Sundays too....ugh.....

Things to Watch Over the Holiday Weekend...

Using your own hands to eat is for fucking chumps!

Since I'm about to head off to enjoy a weekend back in Michigan celebrating Jesus' birthday I figure I'd leave you a nice little Holiday viewing guide as I probably won't be around to post anything till after Xmas....unless I feel motivated after the Michigan/UCLA game. You never know...but since it is a holiday weekend there is a lot going on in the sports world. So program your robot spoon to "shovel" before it decides to get smart and start killing you, it's time for Holiday Sports Viewing!

Tonight

• CFB: Las Vegas Bowl: BYU vs. Oregon ESPN, 8 PM

Now normally I wouldn't recommend watching a bowl game where a team with five losses tries to avoid that scarring sixth against a team from Utah...but have you seen what helmets Oregon is actually going to wear in this game?

Airbrush flames are so freaking cool baby, I also have a dragon painted on my van

And if that's not enough for you they are sporting the yellow jerseys with this bad boy (and probably the yellow paints too)...though I probably wouldn't recommend watching this in HD

because it may cause you to go blind....

UPDATE: Apparently Oregon didn't have the guts to pull off the full yellow uniform, instead opting for green uni's.....and here's what happened....

UGLY HELMETS MAKE BYU ANGRY!!! BYU SMASH!

The lesson here? If you're going to wear hideous helmets at least wear the ugliest uniform to match...or the Mormons are going to run roughshod over your ass....

• NBA: Detroit @ Cleveland TNT, 8:15 PM

What's sad is even though I'm listing this and even with me being a Pistons fan I can't really get that excited for an NBA game in freaking December. I think they should just start the NBA after the All Star break and have a sprint to the finish and the playoffs, these midseason games are just killers.....

• Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer CBS, 8 PM

Santa giving the customary Christmas Nazi Salute...fucking racist

I know this isn't sports but I could probably write an entire post on this Christmas "classic." This could be the most hate filled cartoon ever. Nevermind the fact that you can't watch this cartoon and come off thinking Santa is nothing but an ignorant racist jackass, but what's worse is the elves actually commit a MURDER during the credits!!! They kill the misfit bird that can't fly, he swims. I think they do this to teach us all a lesson that even though normal people except the losers of society, they are just waiting for the right moment to pick your asses off. Don't believe that they'd actually kill a poor toy in a children's classic? Here's your proof. Remember, once you watch this you may be scarred for life.....just warning you....

That poor bird probably landed on the windshield of an NYC Taxi Cab...

Friday

• NBA: Sacramento @ Denver 9 PM (Blizzard Permitting)

What could be Allen Iverson's first game for the Denver Nuggets (if God's anger with Denver permits him to get in...that blizzard is revenge for this Iverson trade), AND if that's not enough Ron Artest is playing so you never know what the hell could happen. Although I really don't see Nuggets fans being the kind to start stuff like this....

Punch him will he not bleed? Throw a cup at him and will he not go crazy?

The only thing that would make this game better was if Carmelo was around to jack Artest in the face then immediately run for his life. Somehow the sight of Carmelo running away from Jared Jeffries makes me less afraid of what he does to "snitches"

Saturday

• CBB: Michigan @ UCLA CBS, 2 PM

I've covered this rather extensively and I figure with the tip being at 2:00 it will be about 2:15 before UCLA is up 20-4, so you can at least get 15 minutes of good basketball Michigan fans....right? Right?

• NFL: Kansas City @ Oakland NFL Network, 8 PM

Douchebag....

I really don't know if I should even recommend watching this as the NFL Network has put together one of the worst announce crews in the history of man. It's to the point now where I actually look forward to Chris Collinsworth shutting Bryant Gumbel up. Has there been a worse play-by-play announcer then Gumbel? I mean he called the clock a "shot clock" last week! That and his whiny ass voice actually makes me long for Pam Ward....maybe if you watched this game on mute and just laughed at Art Shell standing on the sidelines trying to figure out how to coach it would make it worth something....

• CFB: Armed Forces Bowl: Tulsa vs. Utah ESPN, 8 PM

How can you not watch the Armed Forces Bowl? Do you not support our troops or something? If you don't watch this game then the terrorists have won and you hate America. You don't hate America do you?

Sunday (Christmas Eve)

• NFL: Chicago @ Detroit Ninth Circle of Hell, 1 PM

This picture pretty much says it all....

I'm a masochist so I'm actually going to this debacle. I fully expect the score to be 28-3 by the half. I really think the Lions are the team they make you root for in Hell. There's really no other way I can really describe what it is to be a Lions fan. I think the only people that can even begin to know how it feels are Cardinals and Browns fans. What a sad fraternity....

• CFB: Hawaii Bowl: Arizona State @ Hawaii ESPN, 8 PM

How is it really fair that Hawaii gets to play at home in a bowl game? Aren't these supposed to be neutral fields? Pity poor Arizona State whose secondary will probably be shredded to bits by Colt Brennan. Don't worry Sun Devils. Dennis Erickson and his pack of "questionable character" Juco transfers are on the way to raise your fortunes while tainting your program forever next season! Good times!

Monday (Christmas)

• NFL: Philadelphia @ Dallas NBC, 5 PM

I tell you what...I really don't think it's Christmas until I get to see Jeff Garcia and Terrell Owens hook up on the field. Let me break down the commentary by Madden that you're going to get on this game.....

"T.O.T.O.T.O.T.O.T.O."

"T.O. and Jeff Garcia used to play....and T.O. called Jeff Garcia gay (I know...shocker)"

"Tony Romo is the second coming of Jesus (also known as "Brett Favre" to John Madden)

And I think that's about it. I'm sure there's a bunch of other crap on but you can figure that out yourself. Enjoy the holiday everyone!