Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Matt Millen's NFL Draft Tomfoolery (tm)

I'm a fucking genius. BOW AND KNEEL BEFORE MILLEN!

Well the NFL Draft is fast approaching, which is what we Lions fans like to call "Our Super Bowl," so what better time to check in and see what our fearless leader Matt Millen* has to think about some of the top prospects whose careers could be wasted in the Honolulu Blue and Silver.

Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame

Millen's Take: "Well this kid is a little pretty, you know? I like that. You know Joey Harrington was like a son to me, and he was a kind pretty too. I know I'm a badass former NFL linebacker but I have a soft spot in my heart for the cute guys. He really is shitty in big games which is fine for us because we don't play any big games anyway. Can't really deal with a pass rush, but he'll get better at it from all the practice he'd have here in Detroit. I think getting smashed to bits builds character which is why I've decided not to upgrade the offensive line since I've been here. Makes the game more interesting. Also Brady doesn't help our team immediately which is great because they I can tell Mr. Ford to give me more time since he needs that to develop. Should get me another contract extension. SCORE!"

Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin

Millen's Take: "This is a big fucking kid. He may have even had a chance to block me if he had any testicles. He went to Wisconsin where he probably just sat around in the snow eating cheese and having sex with overweight women in Brett Favre jerseys. I fucking hate the Packers. Why can't we beat them? If I were still young and playing at Penn State I would have beat the shit out of this kid. He may have quick feet but I'm MATT MILLEN. You don't block Matt Millen if you are from some pussy school like Wisconsin. I also don't even need this kid. I traded for some guy from Denver who can fuck up pass blocking better then any offensive tackle I've seen in awhile so I wouldn't want to risk drafting someone who may play the position well. I have a reputation to protect."

Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma

Millen's Take: "Now here's a kid who's got it all. He's got an injury history like Chuck Rogers, which puts him near the top of my list. Our doctors already have a lot of experience dealing with broken collarbones so we wouldn't have to learn anything new to deal with AP. We also have a loaded depth chart at running back, which means at the press conference I can say, "Well I was looking at the board and I took the best athlete available," which always makes me sound so fucking smart. Problem is I got Marinelli over here telling me he doesn't need this kid. You know what? Fuck need! Maybe I'll fire Marinelli and get some other coach whose last name starts with M. Maybe I can get that crazy bastard Jim Mora Sr. to come out of retirement. That guy always cracks me up."

Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech

Millen's Take: "Now I know all you funny assholes would think that I would jump at this guy because he's a receiver. Well you guys are stupid jackasses who just sit in your mom's basement writing things in your underwear and you just don't know anything about football. Do I like to draft wide receivers? Absolutely. Do I like to draft good wide receivers? Hell no. No way I take Calvin Johnson. Not only is he freaky good but he's also a pretty good guy and when I'm looking for a franchise wide receiver I'm looking for an arrogant douchebag, not some guy who goes and works in impoverished countries in his spare time."

Gaines Adams, DL, Clemson

Millen's Take: "Marinelli is all over me to take this kid. He keeps rambling on about "getting better" and that "defense wins championships." I'm sorry but I blew last year's gimme Matt Leinart pick to take some defensive guy named Edward or Ernie or something. You think I'm doing that shit two years in a row? The NFL Draft isn't about taking players to make your team better, it's about making an impact by taking players that are sexy. You know how many people have talked about last year's first round pick? No one that's who, but think about two years ago when I took that asshole Mike Williams. BIG time press. That's an impact folks."

Millen's Final Analysis: "In the end you idiots are never going to know what exactly I'm going to do. I'm batshit crazy folks. Not only do I know more about football than anyone else I also have the balls to go out on a limb where pussies like Scott Pioli and AJ Smith don't. You should all be thanking me for making your little draft that much more exciting each year. Now if you'll excuse me I have another shitty free agent to sign. Fuck off."

*obvious satire but anyone with half a brain probably already knew this

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