A Plea to Joe Theismann

Oh, dear God no....

As I'm sure you're already keenly aware of, it was announced this week that Joe Theismann will be replaced on Monday Night Football by Ron Jaworski next season. This was met with a collective roar of approval from pretty much everyone who enjoys watching football on Monday Nights, including yours truly. Then came the news that made my heart sink...

"Norby Williamson, ESPN's executive vice president for studio and remote production, said Monday that ESPN had great respect for Theismann as an analyst and would offer him another job."

You know what that "other job" is? Well according to Theismann it's the analyst job on Saturday Night College Football. To that I say, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Currently Theismann is weighing his options before making a decision. Here is a quote from him about the entire situation that pretty much sums up why he'd be horrible on college football.

"I've been an NFL guy since 1974, so for 33 years now that's been my life," Theismann said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. "Now you are faced with the prospect of that not being in your future. It would be like training to be a doctor or a lawyer and having them say, 'we would like you to change to another profession.' I need some time to think about it."

Okay. First of all why the hell are you comparing yourself to a doctor or lawyer, Joe? You talk about football for a living. Is there some specialized training required for this, and if so, then how the hell did Michael Irvin get a job? And how is this changing a profession? Is talking about football different when it's pro and college? I know that white stripe on the football can be tricky and scary but I think you'd be able to manage. Apparently Joe forgot he played college football (you changed your name to rhyme with "Heisman" remember? Savy marketing at the Golden Dome).

You can obviously see that Theismann's heart isn't going to be in this, so why offer him the job? How can you replace Kirk Herbstreit and, um, Bob Davie (I guess) with a guy who obviously doesn't want to be analyzing college football? Let's not forget that Theismann has always been a horrible analyst anyway, but it's going to be worse when he's covering a sport that he's not as interested in. For those of us who care about college football (in my case, more so than the NFL) this would be a horrible move. I really enjoyed the Saturday Night Football package last year (though I could do with less Notre Dame thanks) and this would just make me cringe. We already have to deal with freaking Paul McGuire doing college football, please don't force Joe Theismann down our throats too! I suppose the only true justice would be taking both of them and throwing them with Pam Ward on Tuesday night MAC games. I'd be okay with that.

I'm down to one last resort, so I'm addressing the end of this to Joe Theismann himself. You don't want to take this job, Joe. You're an NFL guy, you should stick to the sport you are already terrible at instead of branching out and tainting the broadcast of another sport. Please, for the good of everyone, DON'T DO COLLEGE FOOTBALL! PLEASE! A nation of college football fans await your response.