Monday, December 18, 2006

From the Office of Matt Millen

I am such a fucking badass ....

Dear Detroit Lions fans,

I don't like you and you don't like me. The only reason I'm coming down from my suite (you know, the one where they show me watching every game on TV...I look AWESOME!) to address you idiots is because I hear you guys are organizing another "protest" so that I'll get fired. Apparently you idiots are planning on leaving the game with 8 minutes to go in the second quarter, just like last year when you did the "Millen Man March" (cute by the way) where about 20 people showed up. To that I say this...Fuck you. I'm Matt Fucking Millen. Do you really think I care what a bunch of you idiots decide to do? I mean where are your testicles? If you really wanted to impress me at least riot a bit and burn some cars. I mean your money is already in my pockets and you think leaving the game is going to make a difference? I've got an entire medicine cabinet full of Mr. Ford's pills and I'm not giving them back till I get ANOTHER contract extension.

I don't know if you're aware because you fans are so damn stupid but I played for the Oakland Raiders and since taking over the Lions I've modeled our franchise after them. You see the results I'm getting? Right now we're JUST AS GOOD as the Raiders, and we've been BETTER the last two years! That's what I call progress Lions fans, progress you won't see the pussy media writing about. All the media can do is cry and whine about how we're 23-71 and how I'm a terrible judge of talent instead of going out on a limb and writing about all the progress I'm making. I make things more exciting around here. Before I rolled into town all people could bitch about was the coach and how the Fords are ruining the team. Now you've got me. You can all make your little "Fire Millen" signs (those were fucking funny by the way...my daughter put one on my Christmas tree and after I blacked out I laughed all the way to the hospital) and organize shitty protests that only a few idiots ever do. I keep you busy.

I also make the season last even longer by making sure we have a prime spot in the NFL Draft, and since I'm so batshit crazy you never know what I'm going to do. This year I've even outdone myself. We're in line for the number one pick in the whole draft! How's that Lions fans? You can argue all winter about whether I should take Brady Quinn or Adrian Peterson and then on draft day I'll fuck you all and take Jeff Samardzija (Calvin Johnson you say? He's too good...) and why do I do this? To keep things interesting! I'm a fucking genius!

So in the end Lion fans go ahead and do your little pussy protest. Stage your little "walk out" this Sunday. I'll be the guy giving you all the middle finger up in my nice suite and then maybe I'll head to the bank and cash another of Mr. Ford's checks. In the end I'll be the one laughing as all you pussies sit and take it for another year. Enjoy the offseason (I've got some more crazy shit up my sleeve.....)

Fuck You.

Matt Millen*
President of Football Operations
Detroit Lions

* not really Matt Millen, but if you believed this then you should make yourself sterile for the good of mankind

1 comment:

maven said...

That's as good as gold.