This Just In: The Detroit Lions are Shitty

Funny thing, this was also Kevin's expression seconds after the Lions drafted him

Well I think I'm done for a bit with College Football as I've been told by my doctor's that my heart needs a bit of a rest, so I will move on to the other football team that makes my winter a long one (but for completely different reasons).....the vortex of suck that is the Detroit Lions!

Yes the Lions lost another one yesterday 30-20 at the hands of the Minnesota Vikings, and for you keeping score at home that puts the Lions at 2-11 for the season, which is right on track for the number one overall pick in the draft (COME ON RAIDERS! JUST WIN ONE MORE BABY!) The thing about it is....I'm not even mad anymore. I'm just numb to how bad the Lions are and that makes me sad. My family has had season tickets for years and I've seen some great things (Barry going over 2,000 yards comes to mind) but since Millen took over I've just seen loss after loss to the point where I usually am formulating the way the Lions are going to collapse whenever they have the lead. I mean what other team in the NFL can have a imporable comeback at home get derailed by a botched hold on an extra point? Okay, maybe the Arizona Cardinals, but still....the Lions really suck.

It's gotten to the point that whenever the Lions go into the tank, usually once the season opening kickoff is in the air, I start to look forward to the one day a year when I can have some optomism...the NFL Draft.....So in honor of that I'm going to take a look at some of the guys who could see their careers ruined by the Detroit Lions in the near future....

Brady Quinn QB Notre Dame

I don't know if the Lions can gamble on another pretty quarterback with a name that ends in Y after the whole Joey Harrington debacle. Brady has already shown that he shits the bed when good competition rolls into South Bend (see: 2006 Wolverines, Michigan) so if he becomes a Lion I see a lot of "Happy Feet" and running for his life before heaving the ball downfield for the inevitable interception....in other words pretty much the same as every other past Lions QB. Bear in mind, however, that if the Lions pass on Quinn you can start making his bust for Canton....

Calvin Johnson WR Georgia Tech

The Lions can't draft another receiver can they? Hell yeah they could. You know why? Millen is batshit crazy folks! I say we bring Calvin in, jettison Mike Williams fat ass to the curb, and then let Mike Martz go crazy and pass on every single down. I mean we'd still go 2-14 but at least the score would be 46-44 instead of 9-7.....

Joe Thomas LT Wisconsin

Matt Millen drafting an offensive lineman with the number one pick? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! This pick would actually make too much sense if you just look at need. The Lions offensive line is horrible (which I could cut and paste every year) and they definitely need help and Joe Thomas could very well fill that need and be an anchor on the Lions line for years to come....but there's little to no chance Millen is going for this kind of pick that high in the draft. Are you freaking crazy?!?! Plus if the Lions actually did pick this poor soul he would become another Jeff Backus or Aaron Gibson....in a word....crappy.....

Adrian Peterson RB Oklahoma

And that brings us to Adrian Peterson. I hear you screaming, "THE LIONS ALREADY HAVE A RUNNING BACK!" Well Matt Millen says screw need I'm getting the sexiest pick I can! (with the exception of last year's Ernie Sims over Matt Leinart pick.....I'm still in shock that this happened) Is Adrian Peterson a big name? Yes. Will there be a lot of buzz if he's picked? Yes. Do the Lions really need him? No. Which means that Adrian midaswell start trying on some Honolulu Blue and Silver right now. All I can say to the young man is....sorry.....

UPDATE: The Detroit News is saying that Kevin Jones is out for the rest of this season with a severe left foot injury and his availability for 2007 is even in question. Bring on Adrian Peterson!