Wednesday, December 27, 2006

NFL Draft Suicide Watch

Don't look him directly in the eye....

With the Lions making their march to the number one overall pick in the draft, basically a loss this week pretty much seals it, I figure it's time to check to see which members of college football's elite may find their careers ruined by Matt Millen and the Detroit Lions. So without further ado....

Jeff Samardzija

WR/P, Notre Dame/Chicago Cubs


What Jeff will be doing if he gets drafted by the Lions

This pick fits all the Millen standards. Wide Receiver? Check. Major University? Check. High probability of turning out horribly? Check. I can totally envision a scenario where the Lions take Samardzija and then having him give the organization the middle finger by going and pitching for the Cubs. This would be a dream scenario for anyone who really hates Matt Millen. I do think Millen is stupid enough not to check if the kid wants to play baseball, but I don't know if this pick is "sexy" enough for the big man.

Odds On Lions Killing Career: 15-1

Joe Thomas

OT, Wisconsin

This is what Joe will look like as a Detroit Lion....

This is probably a pick that would fill a need the Lions desperately have to fix. Their offensive line is HORRIBLE and they haven't been able to fix it in free agency over the years so one would assume that this would be a great place to start rebuilding the team. That's probably why I can't see Millen going for this. It makes too much sense. Matt Millen...fill a need? Fuck that. He's going for the "best available talent" no matter what position he plays. THAT'S the mentality that lets a team actually pick three straight wide receivers in the first round and turns the franchise into a running joke, but then again if not for Matt Millen this might be a happy blog and you may never even read this. Joe should thank his lucky stars Millen's an idiot because his career will be given a chance to flourish in a place like Arizona...wait that's not good either....God speed Joe....

Odds on Lions Killing Career: 10-1

Calvin Johnson

WR, Georgia Tech

Uh yeah....don't get used to scoring touchdowns Calvin....

What would a Lions draft preview be without TWO wide receivers? Johnson has better "measurables" then Samardzija which means he would probably the sexier pick. He also has the added bonus of already having played with a terrible quarterback in college so the jump to the shit the Lions put behind center really won't be much of an adjustment. Never have I seen a prospect who is so good at looking frustrated at his QB's under thrown interceptions or catching a ball that was thrown to his knee. He may be the perfect receiver for the Lions, and with Mike Williams fat ass about to be shipped out of town it may be a good time to restock the receiver closet Matt. Mike Furrey can't do it alone you know.....

Odds on Lions Killing Career: 5-1

Adrian Peterson

RB, Oklahoma

Get used to breaking tackles. Offensive line? Never heard of it....

With Kevin Jones foot being declared MIA for the foreseeable future, the Lions may be looking Adrian's way to fill the big shoes that are still left from Barry Sanders. He definitely fits the bill for a Lions running back. Great talent but an injury waiting to happen. Sounds like Billy Simms and Kevin Jones alright. Perfect! The only thing holding Millen back on pulling the trigger on this one is that he might actually be good. Can't have that. You don't get four year contract extensions for putting a good team on the field. Nope, there is a sexier pick out there for Millen to snatch up....

Odds of Lions Killing Career: 3-1

Brady Quinn

QB, Notre Dame

Just change the uniform and this is what Brady will look like in Lions colors...

Let me list a few names for you okay? It won't take too long but I think it will prove my point...

  • Chuck Long
  • Andre Ware
  • Joey Harrington

These are the last three quarterbacks the Lions have taken in the first round. Great track record huh? Are you as excited about Brady Quinn as I am now!!! I can't wait to watch this guy shit the bed on Sundays like he did on Saturdays against good competition. I will say I've never seen a QB light up the Service Academies like young Brady did. Plus did you see how he tore up Stanford? AWESOME! Plus he lead that comeback over our little friends from East Lansing too! He's GREAT! DRAFT HIM NUMBER ONE! HE CAN'T MISS! What's that you're saying? He played Michigan and USC this season? BUT HAVE YOU SEEN HOW TALL HE IS?!?! AND THAT ARM STRENGTH?!?! AND HE'S DREAMY! I fully expect that the first pick EVER announced by Roger Goodell will be Brady Quinn going to the Detroit Lions. In a related story Brady Quinn has been put on suicide watch and the Lions have ordered extra oats for Brady's sister...

She's currently training for the Kentucky Derby....

So Brady I really only have one thing to say to prepare you for your "career" here in Detroit. Run. Run as fast as you can!

Odds of Lions Killing Career: 1-2 (Sorry Brady....)

1 comment:

Chadwick said...

I could totally see Matt Millen drafting Jeff Samardzija or Calvin Johnson. Maybe he could trade a 2nd and 3rd round pick to get both?

Last Sunday I heard a rumor that Detroit and Oakland were looking at drafting either Brady Quinn or JaMarcus Russell. I could see Matt Millen taking a 3rd or 4th round quarterback as the number 1 or 2 pick.