Things to Watch Over the Holiday Weekend...

Using your own hands to eat is for fucking chumps!

Since I'm about to head off to enjoy a weekend back in Michigan celebrating Jesus' birthday I figure I'd leave you a nice little Holiday viewing guide as I probably won't be around to post anything till after Xmas....unless I feel motivated after the Michigan/UCLA game. You never know...but since it is a holiday weekend there is a lot going on in the sports world. So program your robot spoon to "shovel" before it decides to get smart and start killing you, it's time for Holiday Sports Viewing!

Tonight

• CFB: Las Vegas Bowl: BYU vs. Oregon ESPN, 8 PM

Now normally I wouldn't recommend watching a bowl game where a team with five losses tries to avoid that scarring sixth against a team from Utah...but have you seen what helmets Oregon is actually going to wear in this game?

Airbrush flames are so freaking cool baby, I also have a dragon painted on my van

And if that's not enough for you they are sporting the yellow jerseys with this bad boy (and probably the yellow paints too)...though I probably wouldn't recommend watching this in HD

because it may cause you to go blind....

UPDATE: Apparently Oregon didn't have the guts to pull off the full yellow uniform, instead opting for green uni's.....and here's what happened....

UGLY HELMETS MAKE BYU ANGRY!!! BYU SMASH!

The lesson here? If you're going to wear hideous helmets at least wear the ugliest uniform to match...or the Mormons are going to run roughshod over your ass....

• NBA: Detroit @ Cleveland TNT, 8:15 PM

What's sad is even though I'm listing this and even with me being a Pistons fan I can't really get that excited for an NBA game in freaking December. I think they should just start the NBA after the All Star break and have a sprint to the finish and the playoffs, these midseason games are just killers.....

• Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer CBS, 8 PM

Santa giving the customary Christmas Nazi Salute...fucking racist

I know this isn't sports but I could probably write an entire post on this Christmas "classic." This could be the most hate filled cartoon ever. Nevermind the fact that you can't watch this cartoon and come off thinking Santa is nothing but an ignorant racist jackass, but what's worse is the elves actually commit a MURDER during the credits!!! They kill the misfit bird that can't fly, he swims. I think they do this to teach us all a lesson that even though normal people except the losers of society, they are just waiting for the right moment to pick your asses off. Don't believe that they'd actually kill a poor toy in a children's classic? Here's your proof. Remember, once you watch this you may be scarred for life.....just warning you....

That poor bird probably landed on the windshield of an NYC Taxi Cab...

Friday

• NBA: Sacramento @ Denver 9 PM (Blizzard Permitting)

What could be Allen Iverson's first game for the Denver Nuggets (if God's anger with Denver permits him to get in...that blizzard is revenge for this Iverson trade), AND if that's not enough Ron Artest is playing so you never know what the hell could happen. Although I really don't see Nuggets fans being the kind to start stuff like this....

Punch him will he not bleed? Throw a cup at him and will he not go crazy?

The only thing that would make this game better was if Carmelo was around to jack Artest in the face then immediately run for his life. Somehow the sight of Carmelo running away from Jared Jeffries makes me less afraid of what he does to "snitches"

Saturday

• CBB: Michigan @ UCLA CBS, 2 PM

I've covered this rather extensively and I figure with the tip being at 2:00 it will be about 2:15 before UCLA is up 20-4, so you can at least get 15 minutes of good basketball Michigan fans....right? Right?

• NFL: Kansas City @ Oakland NFL Network, 8 PM

Douchebag....

I really don't know if I should even recommend watching this as the NFL Network has put together one of the worst announce crews in the history of man. It's to the point now where I actually look forward to Chris Collinsworth shutting Bryant Gumbel up. Has there been a worse play-by-play announcer then Gumbel? I mean he called the clock a "shot clock" last week! That and his whiny ass voice actually makes me long for Pam Ward....maybe if you watched this game on mute and just laughed at Art Shell standing on the sidelines trying to figure out how to coach it would make it worth something....

• CFB: Armed Forces Bowl: Tulsa vs. Utah ESPN, 8 PM

How can you not watch the Armed Forces Bowl? Do you not support our troops or something? If you don't watch this game then the terrorists have won and you hate America. You don't hate America do you?

Sunday (Christmas Eve)

• NFL: Chicago @ Detroit Ninth Circle of Hell, 1 PM

This picture pretty much says it all....

I'm a masochist so I'm actually going to this debacle. I fully expect the score to be 28-3 by the half. I really think the Lions are the team they make you root for in Hell. There's really no other way I can really describe what it is to be a Lions fan. I think the only people that can even begin to know how it feels are Cardinals and Browns fans. What a sad fraternity....

• CFB: Hawaii Bowl: Arizona State @ Hawaii ESPN, 8 PM

How is it really fair that Hawaii gets to play at home in a bowl game? Aren't these supposed to be neutral fields? Pity poor Arizona State whose secondary will probably be shredded to bits by Colt Brennan. Don't worry Sun Devils. Dennis Erickson and his pack of "questionable character" Juco transfers are on the way to raise your fortunes while tainting your program forever next season! Good times!

Monday (Christmas)

• NFL: Philadelphia @ Dallas NBC, 5 PM

I tell you what...I really don't think it's Christmas until I get to see Jeff Garcia and Terrell Owens hook up on the field. Let me break down the commentary by Madden that you're going to get on this game.....

"T.O.T.O.T.O.T.O.T.O."

"T.O. and Jeff Garcia used to play....and T.O. called Jeff Garcia gay (I know...shocker)"

"Tony Romo is the second coming of Jesus (also known as "Brett Favre" to John Madden)

And I think that's about it. I'm sure there's a bunch of other crap on but you can figure that out yourself. Enjoy the holiday everyone!